Cindy shows why she's more fun than Howard Stern

And wait, here comes Margolis now, dressed in a tight silver get-up that has her surgically perfect melons in clear sight for your viewing pleasure. Suddenly Mr. P is at attention like a marine at roll call. And wait, she's saying something. She has a guest. It's Jerry Springer. Oh, no. He walks out, dressed in Bermuda shorts that accentuate his chicken legs in the most bothersome of manners. This is not good, you think...

Cindy tries to knee Springer in the groin but unfortunately misses

Back to Cindy... She's interviewing some losers from the audience, introducing a word game entitled, "What's Another Name for Having Sex?" (I don't know... Masturbation?) One minute and 37 seconds into "The Cindy Margolis Show" and you start to realize, you may have made a big mistake. Suddenly, you and Mr. P start to seriously consider taking a stroll over the liquor cabinet to get down to business.

Wait, wait, Cindy's back with a new outfit. Some strange, extraordinarily tight blue get-up that has her black bra unceremoniously popping out as if she forget to consult with a mirror before going onstage. She announces a musical guest who delivers a Disco ballad, circa 1975. My God, who knew it could be this bad, you think, as you polish off the Kentucky bourbon and start to work on some melon liqueur that had been sitting idle for years.

Cindy shows it's OK to suck a little

A commercial comes and goes, and Cindy's back, in a new outfit, to announce the "Wet-Kini Contest." (For a second, you thought she said "Web-TV Contest" which, for some reason, frightened you tremendously.) The contestants storm onstage. They shake their buns. They snap the straps of their swimsuits and pour cold beverages on top of their breasts. If ever there was a point in the show that clearly indicated it was not PBS material, this is it...

Y'all come back next week, ya' hear

Another commercial and Margolis is back in outfit #5, a glimmering pink two piece. You examine Cindy's stomach muscles as you continue to pump down the melon liqueur. It's now 1:10 a.m. and you begin to consider that Cindy, in her attempt to be funny and provocative, is like a bad female version of Howard Stern. She's far better looking, for sure, except she's missing something. A sense of humor, that's what it is – and oh, yes, a brain.

Suddenly, you realize you've drifted off. You look at your watch. It's 1:27 a.m. and Jerry Springer is singing "I've Been Working on the Railroad" to Cindy, who is wearing her fiftieth outfit of the evening. You immediately drain the rest of the melon liqueur just to deal with this latest horror. A few minutes pass and, mercifully, the credits begin to roll. You've made it to the end. You've gotten through "The Cindy Margolis Show" in one piece, you poor bastard. Now, you and Mr. P can award yourself with good night's sleep, dreaming about next Saturday when Cindy and company return to provide you with 60 more minutes of sheer, unadulterated hell.

October 2000