What's a recipe for Swedish Meatballs doing on the same page as some provocative shots of Milla Jovovich?

Well, we've noticed that quite a few folks have "viewed" our Soft Porn Central column since its inception and to this we say, thank you, hope it's been as good for all of you as it's been for us. The question is, however, how many people have actually bothered to read the text. My guess is probably not an overwhelming number...

And, hey, that's all right. We don't mind. We're just curious as to what the precise ratio of readers to peepers might be. Think of it as a scientific experiment of which you're an integral part. You're not just jerking off, you're contributing to the betterment of humankind.

Milla, climbing her way to the top

Here's how it works: If you've actually noticed that the text below has more to do with ground beef than, say, beefcake... drop us a note. We'll be tabulating the results in the weeks to come and submitting them to the Smithsonian Institute so they can reside in their rightful place alongside the Constitution and the Gettysburg Address.

And now, without any further adieu, we present to you Mama Milla Jovovich's Recipe for Swedish Meatballs:

Soak 1 slice of 1-inch-thick bread in water, milk or stock. Then grind the following ingredients in a meat grinder: 1-1/2 lb. meat, 1/2 lb. beef, 1/2 lb. veal, and 1/2 lb. pork. Beat well and add 2 eggs to the meat. Melt 1 tablespoon of butter and add to meat. Saute 1/4 cup of finely chopped onions until golden brown and add to meat.

(Click Me)

Wring the liquid from the bread and add the bread to the meat along with the following ingredients: 3 tablespoons chopped parsley, 1-1/4 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon paprika, 1/2 teaspoon grated lemon rind, 1 teaspoon lemon juice, 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg, and 1/4 teaspoon allspice.

A few minced anchovies or 1/4 herring may be added at this time to the mixture or later to the gravy. Combine these ingredients well, but lightly with your hands rather than with a fork or spoon. Shape lightly into 1-1/2-inch balls and brown in 2 tablespoons of butter or drippings.

Simmer closely covered in 2 cups consomme or other stock for about 15 minutes.

For the gravy, in a hot pan, blend 1 or 2 tablespoons of flour into 2 tablespoons of meat drippings. Stir with a wire whisk until the flour has thickened and the mixture is smooth and well combined. Continue to cook slowly and stir constantly while adding degreased pan juices, milk, water, stock, cream, wine or flat beer to make 1 cup. Season with sherry or 1 to 2 teaspoons finely minced fresh dill.

Reheat the meat in the gravy. Serve with noodles or potato dumplings.