Chloe Nichole

The beat on "Asshole Man," the eighth track on Porn to Rock, isn't different from anything heard on mainstream radio. The swingin' sounds are reminiscent of a Cherry Poppin' Daddies or Big Bad Voodoo Daddy tune. But when the lyrics start 30 seconds in, it becomes apparent that this tune won't be racing up to No. 1 on the Billboard charts. "I'd walk a mile for your vertical smile / yeah baby, I'm addicted to crack," sings Vinnie Spit. And Mistress Jacqueline entices horny listeners with the next grade-school verse, "milk, milk, lemonade / around the corner fudge is made." Yum.

Ladies and gentlemen... Callner Music proudly presents Porn to Rock for your listening pleasure. Question: What do adult film stars do in their spare time? Answer: They show off their oral skills in other ways. Porn to Rock is a compilation of the "musical talents" of 13 triple X-rated industry actors and actresses. From old-timers like Ginger Lynn to hot young blood like Chole Nichole, they all get their shot on the 45-minute disc. The album's vibe is as varied as the performers' ages. Vinnie and Jacqueline's swing attempt will leave listeners with a not-so-pleasant taste in their mouths. And while Chole's crash-and-burn "Harder" could find its way into the club scene, the song blatantly rips off Trent Reznor's sound. Though her excessive moans and screams are the main attraction, the music itself could be sampled from The Downward Spiral.

Johnny Toxic and Holy Schreib

But fear not timid listeners, Porn to Rock also caters to the faint-hearted. Johnny Toxic eases in with the poppy, Weezer-like, "Happy." "Everything makes me happy / cause I'm so happy, I'm fine," he chirps on the non-exotic anthem. Also weighing in on the cheesy side, accompanied by stilettos and synthesizers, is Ginger Lynn. Her tame number "Fantasy World" sounds like it's straight out of the '80s. Oh wait, it is. The dusty 1985 track screams Velveeta, and it becomes apparent she should stick to her day job.

In concept, Porn to Rock is brilliant. With the aid of scantily clad pictures in the liner notes, the album is bound to sell. A fan should get a handful before the music even starts. And to top it off, a revealing bio is included about each artist. The info about Candye Kane is quite descriptive: "This singer, songwriter, activist, former porn queen and mother of two plays piano with 44G boobs!" The album meshes two ideals many people hold close to their hearts – sex and rock 'n' roll. Only one thing's missing – drugs, or what listeners should consume to make Porn tolerable to hear. Musically the album is poor at best, but it wasn't created to win a Grammy. In spirit, Porn to Rock could make people rise to the occasion. After a few listens, though, that excitement will wane, and the same person will just be left flopping in the wind.