Part of the problem centers around entertainers, who, long past their fifteen minutes of idolization in the public spotlight, for whatever reason, make an attempt to thrust themselves into the spotlight once again. And as a great Buddhist scholar once said, you can never step into the same river twice, even if you plant your foot in the exact same spot. But apparently the girls aren't familiar with Buddhist teachings.

It's not that the songs are offensive, or insipid, or any of a slew of adjectives. There is a horrid sameness that pervades the 11 cuts here, which makes it destined for emanation from the speakers of countless clothing stores across America, the perfect accompaniment for trying on beige khakis or whatever else has been pounded into your head that you should wear. It's that quality, knowing upon hearing each tune that it is destined for obscurity.

There's not even a tinge of sadness or regret, recounting how "Girl Power" was for a fleeting moment a vocal charge by five singularly marketed identities, how young girls looked up with beaming faces, regardless of the message or what lay behind it, and felt empowered. Hearing the music on the current disc, you don't pine for the old days, not for a moment, because there's no emotional attachment to generate that regret. When the Beatles played their last tunes on a rooftop, sadness was implicit because they had been monitored for so long.

Just as this review veers from explaining the Spice Girls history or current status, so too will the music have the same effect on you. Inadvertently, the ladies have generated a disc that you can listen to and not hear at the same time. You'll notice snippets – for example, "If You Wanna Have Some Fun" sounds a lot like Will Smith's "Men in Black," – but that recognition soon dissipates in the same manner as answering a game show trivia question.

And the funny thing is, the Spice Girls (version 1), were never about substance anyway. Now, having lost that young, nubile look to the passage of time, they're still attractive, but they've also given up their individual "Spice" identities for an "everyone dress in black for a dinner party" appearance. Are they suddenly more responsible? Grown up? What's the message here? A parable about being goofy when you're young, but when you're grown up, you get serious? Hey, if I want serious and good looking, I'll take Diana Krall any day.

If the title is any indication, then rest assured we'll be seeing more variations of the Spice Girls. And maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing. Wait till a few of them have been screwed over, and get into a man-hating thing, or start worrying about the crows feet at the corners of their eyes. Get mad girls, show some venom, get spicier. Puh-lease.

More Spice Girls

The band's latest, Conspiracy of One continues the saga of the boys, whose roots go back to '84, when Holland and bass player Greg Kriesel got things in motion after a Social Distortion show.

Though the band grew up in a punk environment, and retains elements of punk (fast numbers, fast guitars, etc.), they've showed the ability to veer off the punk course, using Latin or hip-hop influences when needed. They've also evinced a keen social awareness of the world, and dealt with it in a humorous way, as with "Pretty Fly."

And while the music and musicianship on Conspiracy is sharper than a new set of Ginsu knives, the lyrics have a latent teen depression to them. No worries for fans and the faithful, as the disc has no trouble kicking like a government mule.

"Come Out Swinging," the opener, begins fast and furious, slowing down momentarily so the listener can catch up, before renewing its vigor to the end. "Original Prankster" continues the Latin influence in part, hijacking a sample from War's "Low Rider," which is muted enough not to be noticed unless someone told you it was there. And about the closest thing to a punk ballad is found with "Want You Bad," done Offspring style, which is fast, and with plenty of chunking guitars.

Yet, unfortunately, there's no equivalent of "Pretty Fly" on the disc, and what you find instead are songs about busted relationships, stalkers, petty thieves and the like. The opening lines from "One Fine Day," for example, moan, "If I had a perfect day, I would have it start this way, open up the fridge and have a tall boy, yeah." Maybe this philosophy sells to teens and twenty-somethings, but after they raised the bar with "Pretty Fly," you'd expect more. Well, maybe you wouldn't, but I would.

More Offspring

November 2000