December 5, 2000 – Last week, Sony, Honda, and a dozen other hi-tech companies rolled out the latest generation of personal "entertainment robots" at ROBODEX, a commercial robotics exhibition in Yokohama, Japan. Just in time for the Christmas holiday, it's the perfect gift for that special ubėr-geek who has it all. These sensor-laden, camera-linked, nano-engineered, voice-activated, mechanical pets, pods, and PDAs will not only dance and play soccer, for an additional $100,000, they'll remotely monitor your home via web-cam, tell you kinky stories, and turn up your stereo.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the globe in London, a group of Chicago-based scientists publicly presented the world with its first aquatic android: a robot controlled by the brain of a fish. Yes, that's right ... A ROBOTIC FISH ... a lamprey, to be exact, walking (or rolling, as the case may be) on dry land. Sensors on the bot transmit visual "images" to receptors in the lamprey's brain which, in turn, controls the movements of the bot's tiny electronic motors.

And, just when you think that's the strangest damn robot story you've ever heard, it turns out that scientists have also wired a mechanical water feeder into the brain of a rat. Through a process of trial and error, the rodent has since learned to bring the feeder closer merely by WILLING it to happen.

300-plus years of focused scientific endeavor and what do we have? Six-figure mechanized Personal Assistants, an evolutionary precursor to The Terminator, and telepathic rats.

Toto ... I don't think we're in the 20th century anymore.

All you closet technophiles who didn't make it to ROBODEX 2000, will be glad to know that Sony has made significant advancements in the development of mechanical pets over the last year. Apparently, the main problem with Sony's original computerized canine, Aibo, was that it was too dog-like. The "new improved" digital Dachshund has since lost its bark and is now house trained, which means that it no longer lifts one leg while emitting a little tinkle sound.

The Security Service Robot – a rolling cylindrical unit outfitted with cameras and sensors that detect sound, heat, smoke, and alien intruders – won't do the dishes or scrub your toilet, but it does a bang-up job of climate-control and home security. Unfortunately, despite its six-figure price tag, the 2001 model doesn't come equipped with Robocop grenade launcher, but it's probably only a matter of time.

Now, if you're still thinking in pre-millennial terms, you may be wondering what makes a mechanized mutt that doesn't even know how to bark worth $1,500, or why someone would spend over a hundred-grand on a rolling butler that can't do the dishes or make a decent martini. The answer, my friends, is summarized in two words: Power Marketing.

Over the past two decades, hi-tech companies have poured billions of dollars into developing robotic technologies for useful applications like cleaning minefields, exploring Mars, and conducting deep-sea salvage work, but these operations are treacherous and yield little in the way of financial return. As a result, armies of marketing execs have been deployed with a single mission: make programmable pets and humanoid-home-entertainment-systems a "must have" for any 21st century family hoping to keep up with the Jetsons.

Given that Sony has sold more than 45,000 outdated faux-pissing Aibo units this year, it's apparent that the marketing Marines are doing their job.

Meanwhile, back at the lab, the network of prosthetic limb researchers who brought us telepathic rats and ROBOFISH have also wired a monkey's brain to transmit digital neuron signals over a standard internet connection. When the monkey moves its arm to eat a banana or chuck a rotten apple at the nearest researcher, a robotic arm 600 miles away mimics the motion in real time 3D.

When we apply the law of converging technologies to this situation, it's clear that "New Millennia Earthlings," at least the rich ones, will be more android than human – a cybernetic multiplex of emotions and moods quite different from the quaint flesh and bone bipeds we've all come to know and love.

Really, unbeknownst to them, the majority of 20th century earthlings were cyborgs well before the cosmic odometer turned two-triple-zero. For most of the last 60 years they've been rumbling back and forth over the globe inside robotic hunks of four-wheeled body armor, wantonly crushing things like a massive school of ROBOFISH run-amuck. Once the home-entertainment-bots are wired directly into the their brains, assimilation will be complete.

If you thought multi-tasking was a hip 1990s thing to do, imagine its New Millennia counterpart, multi-timing: using wearable computers with motion capture sensors to project your voice, thoughts, and actions across the high-bandwidth Net, you'll be able to be in more than one place at one time. Just think of the possibilities. You can send one droid to that boring trade convention, another to your mother-in-law's house, and yet another to the store for snacks, interacting with all of them simultaneously while you sit at home in front of a Sony Play Station.

And to think, I just wanted an R2D2 replica with a Guinness tap and an MP3 player.