June 9, 2000 – The White House last week produced a list of the world's most notorious "narco-criminals," awarding a dozen alleged drug runners with the title of "Kingpin." The list was produced in response to the "1999 Foreign Narcotics Kingpin Designation Act" which requires the federal government to come up with a yearly roster of the world's top 12 drug dealers.

President Bill "I didn't inhale" Clinton was traveling in Aachen, Germany at the time and reportedly said, "I've never met these gentlemen before, and I don't know who invited them to the party. I thought it was just another fund raiser."

Though the kingpin list is being touted as one of toughest anti-narcotic measures ever implemented, it is a far cry from being the H-bomb of the 27-year-old "war on drugs." While it gives the U.S. Treasury Department the power to freeze the assets of anyone on the list, government officials admit that "it is highly doubtful any such assets exist in the US."

"Highly doubtful?" Do they expect notorious Burmese warlords like Khun Sa to just show up at the local Credit Union and open a savings account with a duffel bag full of heroin smothered cash? Makes me wonder if the folks who drafted the bill haven't been spending a little too much time inspecting the DEA impound lockers, if you know what I mean.

The 12 alleged kingpins are also prohibited from entering the United States, but the same government official said that "the kingpins would be unlikely to do so because they are either already in jail, or subject to arrest on existing indictments."

Ramon Eduardo Arellano-Felix, and his brother Benjamin Alberto, leaders of the infamous Tijuana Cartel, were upset over the new visa limitations associated with their ranking on the list.

"They were hoping to go to Disneyland this year," a representative of the cartel, known only as three-finger Alejandro said. "The brothers were going to take up the next shipment in the hubcaps of a classic 1969 VW mini-bus, just like the old days. Then they were going to get really stoned and hang out with that giant mouse. It was going to be pretty cool, but with this whole kingpin thing, they'll probably just stay around the house."

Despite the fact that his group is now holding a monstrous blow-out liquidation sale, St. Kitt-based smuggler, Noel Heath, is reportedly excited to have earned the coveted "kingpin" title.

"I've been in this business for years and it's been really difficult to make a name for myself," said Heath. "I mean, anybody can sell drugs, but it takes that special someone to be a true kingpin. It's great to finally get some recognition. Druggies all over the world will know who I am now. You can't pay for advertising like that. I really owe a lot to all those who've testified against me in court, and especially to all the little guys I've snuffed out."

Jose de Jesus Amezcua-Contreras, a world-renown amphetamine trafficker, now ranked at number 6 on the list and currently serving 40 years in the bowels of a Mexican prison, was quoted as saying, "whatever."

The "second tier," as it's known on Capitol Hill, is the heat-seeking missile of the new law and is expected to have a devastating effect on international cartels. All associates of the 12 kingpins will be barred from any financial dealings with American citizens or U.S. companies. Americans who violate the statute are subject to fines of up to $1 million, and as much as 10 years in prison. In short, the kingpins will have no one to party with.

OK, someone turn down the music, put down the illicit substances and tell me why, after spending over $18.5 billion dollars on the longest war in US history, government officials have yet to figure out that the drugs are winning.

The US prison system recently set a new world record for incarceration – 2-million inmates and growing – and, despite the fact that 60 percent of the prisoners are drug offenders, the influx and usage of psychotropic contraband in American culture continues largely unabated.

According to the DEA's own surveys, there are about 12.7 million people who admit to having used an illegal drug in the last month, and 40 million who have used one within the last year. Of the 12.7 million who used illegal drugs in the last month, about 10 million are considered "casual users," and the other 2.7 million are "addicts." As a result, if the federal government followed through with its "get tough on drugs stance" and imprisoned all of them, they would have to build a penal colony large enough to hold the combined populations of California, Arizona, and New Mexico, and even if they built a prison that big, they undoubtedly wouldn't be able to keep the drugs out. The tri-state mega-prison would probably just become known as "Party Central."

When contemplated by the bleary-eyed hung-over mind of your average American on a Sunday morning, the irony of the War on Drugs is more overwhelming than a bad acid trip. The twisted punch-line is that the drug war actually perpetuates itself by jacking up the black market value of narcotics, which in turn creates a vibrant drug economy and gives the "kingpins" a level of job security few CEOs will ever enjoy.

"It's not always easy being a kingpin," said one drug-lord who spoke on condition of anonymity, "but someone has to do it."