Thandie Newton and Mark Wahlberg in "The Truth About Charlie"

Director Jonathan (Silence of the Lambs) Demme's appallingly absurd mystery romance stars Mark "Boogie Nights" Wahlberg, Tim "The Player" Robbins, and Thandie "I never heard of her either" Newton. Demme's disaster is loosely based on Charade, a 1963 caper starring class acts Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn, both of whom made the big screen a little larger just by their presence on it. Alas, the chemistry or lack thereof between The Truth About Charlie's Thandie Newton and Mark Wahlberg could turn an Imax theater into a 9" black-and-white portable TV.

Thandie plays Regina, a winsome Euro-wife who returns to Paris from a solo Caribbean holiday to find her husband Charlie (an affluent art dealer played by Stephen Dillane) has been murdered for reasons more complicated than the college electoral system. At police headquarters, Regina sees a fistful of passports with her husband's picture, each bearing a different name and she learns Charlie has had more aliases than Madonna's had religious epiphanies and his art business was phonier than the Material Girl's British accent.

The plot thickens to a cement-like consistency as Regina learns Charlie was in fact an international operative skilled in hostage negations and was apparently killed over $6 million in missing diamonds that were supposed to pay for the release of a political prisoner in Sarajevo. Enter Wahlberg as Joshua, a stranger Regina flirted with on vacation who conveniently reappears in Paris to befriend, and defend her from her husband's former "business associates," a mismatched pack of misfits dead set on getting their share of the high-jacked jewels. The trouble is Joshua's "Regina are you okay? Great now let's make out and listen to Charles Aznavour" act isn't exactly as advertised either. And that's not the only trouble with The Truth About Charlie by far.

Add to the mishmash Tim Robbins (with the worst New England accent since Howard Stern's Ted Kennedy impression) as Mr. Bartholomew, a U.S. govt. official imploring Regina to help get Uncle Sam's ransom money back. Of course, eventually it comes to pass that Mr. B. is really somebody else with his own agenda. About the only character that doesn't change IDs, probably because he's got the coolest name, is Emil Zarapec (Silence of the Lambs co-star Ted Levine), an ailing commando who suddenly collapses and dies amidst a haze of cigarette smoke on board a French train. Sure second-hand smoke kills, but Demme doesn't have to go crazy with the subliminal messages.

And speaking of lighting up, how about Christine Boisson as Commandant Dominique, who chain-smokes and inexplicably wears one black leather glove at all times? Boisson suspects Regina of being an accomplice to Charlie's murder, before devising a plan to discover the real culprit. Boisson's actions are consistent, but really, what is up with that one leather glove? Unsightly tobacco stains? Zippo turned up too high? Or is it perhaps a souvenir from a Crepes Suzette gone terribly wrong?

Like much of what happens, the back-story to Boisson's hand is a secret we will never know, nor care about five minutes after hastily exiting the theater. And regrettably for Demme, as well as his otherwise able-bodied cast and more importantly his audience, the terrible truth about Charlie is a tale best left untold.