Though the characters presented to us throughout this would-be epic are indeed complex and interesting, they're wholly undeveloped because no one is given enough screen time to make the slightest impression. Most characters are parachuted in for 5 or 10 minutes, say their piece and then are never heard from again or pointlessly reprised at odd moments in the film. It's a movie populated by thumb-nail sketches of people, rather than actual compelling characters. One gets the feeling that the movie was pared down drastically from its original form and that many additional scenes landed on the cutting room floor. The fact that there are so many great actors and performances makes it an even greater crime that the roles are so unrealized. Sean Penn, Nick Nolte, John Cusack, Woody Harrelson, and a veritable Hollywood Squares roster of actors all turn in awesome jobs, but are given little time to shine due to the lack of material.

As with all of Mallick's films (all two of them, that is), The Thin Red Line is visually stunning, but much like the metal rods used to anally electrocute cattle at the slaughterhouse, it's a stunning blow that fails to really compensate for the ride in its entirety. Terrence Mallick is indeed a talented filmmaker, but he is talented in the same way that I consider people who perform muzak are talented musicians. I think that John Tesh and Yanni are amazingly accomplished and proficient composers, but they fail to move me one iota with their long-winded noodling and the same can be said for Mallick. His lush, but ultimately dulling drive-by shots of the jungle used as the background surrounding the soldiers is a technique that wears out its welcome very fast. Instead of dwelling on the actual characters in the film and gaining some insight into their personalities, we are forced to endure countless cinematic asides during which we come to know the flora and fauna of Guadalcanal in more detail than even Sir David Attenborough would care to know. At times, the movie seemed to be part Saving Private Ryan and part PBS nature documentary.

One of the few good things I can say about the movie is that you definitely get your money's worth for your $9.00. Clocking in at nearly three hours, you get more than enough bang for your buck. Minutes pass like hours. Hours pass like days. And just when you think the movie's about to end, it's off and running again for another 15 minutes. If you wanna feel like you've spent an eternity at the movie theater, then by all means, go see The Thin Red Line.

No doubt it has gotten most of its box-office traffic because it's chock full of celeb stars and cameos, but make no mistake, this is an art-house movie in "Entertainment Tonight" clothing. It seems the vast majority of critics have duped themselves into praising this movie because saying they didn't understand it or that the movie meanders and is just too damn long, would expose them as being boorish and stupid. I, however, have no such qualms about admitting that I'm an unrefined Philistine when it comes to the movies. This is not to say that I'm a fan of rootin', tootin' shoot'em up blockbusters. Oh contrare! I hate stupid, Hollywood paint-by-numbers movies as much as the next person on line (probably more so, because the next idiot on line was going to see She’s All That). Just give me a good plot with honest conflict and some interesting characters to flesh it all out, and I'll be happy. Don't try to bowl me over with intense atmospheric shots and overly moody characters who just stare off pensively instead of saying something interesting. You might be able to get away with that stuff in French movies, but this is America damn it! Give me a good story or give me death!