Jamie Foxx, Al Pacino, and Dennis Quaid

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On screen, Oliver's army of actors, athletes and advisors are led by Al Pacino as the Sharks' beleaguered head coach Tony D'Amato whose religious devotion to the game and long late-night drinking sessions have cost him his youth, family and fortune. Pacino has been playing world-weary relics of the past for so long now (Godfather III, Donnie Brasco, Scent of a Woman) that it's hard to imagine a time when he played the Machiavellian Michael Corleone, or defiant Frank Serpico.

One scene has Coach D'Amato despondent and drunk in his dark apartment and it so looks like he's about to shoot himself, but surprise, it's only his collection of Championship Rings that he strokes lovingly and not a .44 magnum. Of course, there's also ample opportunity for Pacino to go ballistic and bombastic as he tries to hold his team of high-priced egomaniacs together and remind them "On any given Sunday, you're gonna win or you're gonna lose. The point is – can you win or lose like a man?" To answer the question of whether they learn their lessons of selflessness and teamwork in time to make the playoffs and save the team from financial ruin, you'll have to see for yourself, but honestly what do you think?

Cameron Diaz as Christina Pagniacci

Also along for the championship drive and some unintentional laughs is Cameron Diaz as Christina Pagniacci, who inherited the Sharks from her late father and apathetic and slightly tipsy mother Margaret, convincingly played by Ann-Margret. Though Cameron remembers all her dialogue and delivers it with startling conviction, not for one tick of the game clock is she believable as the owner of a pro-football team. But she does make a nice treat for the eyes after all the sweaty grimacing men.

Much more believable are characters Jack Roony (Dennis Quaid) and Willie "Steamin'" Beamen (Jamie Foxx) as the testy tortoise and the hyper hare making up the movie's quarterback controversy. Quaid bulked up as did all the athlete/actors who went through an eight-week football training camp to gear up for their gridiron glories. Quaid also resembles real-life Miami Dolphin quarterback Dan Marino who is going through a late career crisis of his own. Coincidentally, Marino's sprawling waterfront home was used as the house of Quaid's QB Jack Roony. It's a real nice place, so nice, in fact, that Quaid's movie wife Cindy (Lauren Holly) surprisingly slaps him silly at the thought of Roony retiring.

Jamie Foxx performs admirably as Willie Beamen, the third-string QB who is thrust by the injury and incompetence of his predecessors into a leadership role on the team. Of course all the gold, glory and girls increase Steamin' Beamen's helmet size faster than he can say "Time out!" and he's got to make peace with himself and the team before it's too late for the season and the audience's attention span.

Not to be too cynical about Any Given Sunday and its rah-rah rhetoric, all of its gladiatorial symbolism and humanistic moralizing are but a redeeming social backdrop to the nearly non-stop on-field action. The scenes will gratuitously grab you by the facemask and not let go till your head's spun completely around by the dizzying montage of visuals and earthquake-inducing sound effects. From the first snap of the ball till the final gun blasts, you'll feel like you've been down in the trenches talking trash and kicking ass. By the end you may be calling for a stretcher and a refreshing shot of Vicodin yourself.

Word up though to every wife, girlfriend and football widow who has ever asked "Is it over yet?" during the first half of the first game on any given Sunday in America. Avoid this movie like white pants after Labor Day. But if you really want to give your favorite armchair quarterback an afternoon he'll remember this holiday season, drop him at the movies while you do some shopping. It'll be time well spent for all concerned. Hey, "Whatever It Takes" right?