Claire Danes

Mod Squad is stylish, coolly irreverent and one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's so bad, in fact, I believe it will create new terminology in the English language. "How's our new movie doing at the box office, J.D.? What's that? It Mod Squaded? Oh my, where are my pills..."

I spent the better part of the film just staring at the beautiful Claire Danes (who plays Julie) in utter disbelief. I can think of no worse miscasting since Al Pacino featured his Brooklyn accent in a film about the American Revolution. All I can say, Claire honey, is I hope you were paid well – this vehicle is going to do nothing for your career. Next time, try to be a little choosier about your parts before your whole life gets Mod Squaded down the drain.

Omar Epps

I don't remember much of the original series since I was pretty young when it was aired on network TV (I was, I was). I can tell you this, however, it was a whole lot better then this abortion. The plot is lame and the acting is atrocious. (There is not much left after that, is there?) Giovanni Ribisi portrays Pete as such a bumbling moron you expect him to be carted away any minute by men in white smocks. Omar Epps, who plays Link, seems to do a decent job, although I can't tell if he just looks good in comparison to his two dreadful partners.

I kept thinking to myself, well, at least the music's good. Then it occurred to me that the music in my living room is equally as good if I select the right CDs. You don't need to drag your carcass into the movie theater to hear some good tunes and you certainly don't need to have your brains fried and scrambled by this crap to hear a good Busta Rhymes or Lauryn Hill tune come through the speakers.

Giovanni Ribisi, Claire Danes

So what's the story line behind Mod Squad? Do you care? Okay, here goes. The three precocious ex-cons set off to crack a ring of corruption after their mentor Captain Adam Greer (Dennis Farina) gets Mod Squaded and left for dead in a dirty alley. The only real plot twist or surprises to be had from this point is the degree to which the movie fails on all accounts. I had not thought it possible that Hollywood could actually muster up anything so bad – prior to seeing this film, that is.

Mod Squad offers all the ingredients that today's audiences expect from their current fare of films. It has snippets of humor, for instance. Unfortunately, the only thing that the audience giggled at were the ridiculous attempts at drama that the movie miserably tried to offer. In fact, as it grew more serious and intense, the howls of laughter from the crowd rose so voluminously, they actually began to drown out the dialogue.

As I left the theater, it occurred to me that perhaps I should institute a new rating system, one which would allow me to get my message across in a more succinct and clear manner. How about a three-tiered system: Bad, Really Bad, or Oy-Vay. Mod Squad would fit nicely in the latter of these three. Then again, maybe I should reconsider, lest I Mod Squad myself right out of a job.