Out of all of the comic book characters that live and breathe within the walls of the comic book pantheon, Batman is among, if not the most suitable for adaptation to film. You’ve got a regular guy -- no x-ray vision, he can’t stick to walls, he doesn’t fly -- who, in the wake of a senseless crime that robs him of his parents, mentally and physically transforms himself into the ultimate weapon against crime. Sure, it helps that he’s a millionaire and he can afford lots of cool gadgets, but at the core, Bruce Wayne/Batman is a deeply flawed, twisted hero that does what we can’t: fight back. The comic book -- under the supervision of writers and artists like Frank Miller, Dennis O’Neil, Doug Moench and Kelley Jones -- is a charged mixture of crime fiction, film noir, horror and heroics; too bad the movies aren’t the same way. Instead, director Joel Schumacher followed-up his candy-colored mishmash Batman Forever with more of the same.

In the fourth installment of the Batman saga, Batman (George Clooney) and Robin (Chris O’Donnell) are faced with a new pair of semi-ruthless villains: Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) and Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Ms. Ivy, a scientist who was transformed by a freak accident into a plant/human hybrid with a kiss to die from, wants to rid the world of humanity and pave the way for a flora invasion. Mr. Freeze, on the other hand, wants to encase Gotham City in ice and hold it for ransom in hopes of getting enough money to fund the research that will save his freeze-dried, disease-ridden wife. (Take a deep breath, there’s more.)

If that isn’t enough, the Draped Crusader and the Mannish Boy Wonder are having trust and jealousy issues that threaten to tear the burgeoning family apart. And on top of all that, the ever-loyal butler Alfred (Michael Gough) is getting older by the minute, and his pseudo-imminent death is forcing the staid Bruce Wayne to reevaluate his life. Oh yeah, Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone) shows up too, to help with the necessary ass-kicking.

And what does all of this add up to? Nothing really worth watching. The inane, juvenile script by Bat-hack Akiva Goldsman is just a string of uninspired, unrelated scenes held together with some of the worst dialogue heard since the last Ernest Goes To... movie. Example: After Batgirl disposes of Poison Ivy, she actually says, "I kicked her botanical butt." Goldsman must’ve been paid on an ice-cliché-per-page basis, because every other line out of Schwarzenegger’s mouth is some horrible line like, "I gave her the cold shoulder," or, "I’m back and chilled to perfection."

As for The Clooney’s big debut as Batman, what’s to say? You could put just about anyone in the latex Batman suit and it wouldn’t make any difference. And as Bruce Wayne, he’s passable, but since the filmmakers decided to drop the twisted psychology and dynamic duality behind the character, he doesn’t have much to do.

For my money, Michael Keaton had the most interesting take on Bruce Wayne to date. Chris O’Donnell’s Robin/Dick Grayson tries his best to look tough despite the fact that his character’s alter-ego is named Robin and his given name is Dick. Since the dawn of Schwarzenegger’s acting career, every one of his directors has known not to give him too many lines -- except Schumacher -- who had the misbegotten notion of trying to make the Austrian Oak act. Thurman, who is usually fun to watch (and pretty easy on the eyes), does her best with the horrendous script, but her best just ain’t good enough. Most embarrassing, however, is Silverstone, who seems to think that flashing chubby-faced dimples passes for acting. The simple fact that she comes across as the worst actor in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie just about says it all.

The thing that’s most distressing about Batman & Robin specifically, and current action films in general, is that Hollywood is under the impression that all they need to do to entertain us is make movies that are colorful and loud. Story, character, plot, suspense, drama are all discarded in favor of eye candy. Hollywood doesn’t try to enthrall, they’d rather overwhelm because it’s easier. Gone are the days of intelligent action films like Raiders of the Lost Ark, RoboCop and Aliens. Instead, we get big, noisy fluff like Independence Day, Mission: Impossible and Con Air.

When all is said and done, Batman & Robin is just a marketing tool; a touchstone for more and more Warner Bros. merchandise. As you pass the shelves and see them stocked with Batman & Robin Pop-Tarts, breakfast cereal, Spaghetti-Os, t-shirts, watches, action figures, playsets, Taco Bell value meals and video games, bid a silent farewell to cinematic entertainment as we know it.

We now live in an era when Hollywood doesn’t try anymore, and that’s pretty sad. What’s even worse is that we let them get away with it.

June 1997