January 1998

Greetings from NY Rock corporate headquarters (also know as Ward C, here at the Betty Ford Clinic). With the New Year, I thought it would be a good time to address some issues that have, to date, gone unanswered. We get heaps of email – mostly from nice people telling us they have the best XXX sex sites on the Web – but also from viewers, like yourself, with some very pressing messages.

Now, of course, some of these notes are way too brief to answer (“Your site sucks!”), and others are obviously rhetorical (“Your site sucks!...please write me back!”), while still others are just too confusing to understand (“Your site sucks!...please write me back...my email is blah, blah, blah@aol.com.”)

There are a certain number of messages, however, that have originated from reasonably sane human beings that do, in fact, deserve a response – so here goes. First off, let me say to Miguel from Paraguay, who asked NY Rock to send him Lou Reed’s touring itinerary for the next 27 years, I’m sorry that we’re a little late in replying. We’re currently up to the year 2015, and are hardly working, I mean, working hard on your request.

To Sven, who asked us to send Joey Ramone overseas immediately to spin records in his bar in Denmark, we have the following message: Sorry, Joey has given up his day job as a DJ and has since decided to pursue a career as a professional musician. Would you settle for my neighbor, Herb Slotnick, instead? Herb just got all new gear, and has already gained invaluable experience from playing three weddings, two company parties, and one bar mitzvah.

To all those people who have said we are too mainstream: Sorry, we plan on becoming more avante-garde in the future.

To all those people who have said we are too avante-garde: Sorry, we plan on becoming more mainstream in the future.

To all those people who couldn’t figure out how to play our sound clips: May I suggest a good neurosurgeon?

Finally, to all those irate folks who were appalled that we dared to poke fun at the Spice Girls, I would like to set the record straight. I don’t know what got into us. How could we? After all, the Spice Girls are clearly the most incredible virtuosos since Mozart, the most phenomenal geniuses since Einstein...

...and how about those legs...

The Web Is Good

What I am trying to say is that we’re here to serve. You want to know who lives at 112th Street and 7th Avenue? No problem, we’ll find out. You want to know when the last bus pulls out of Times Square, when the last hooker walks the beat on 10th Avenue? Again, no problem, that’s what we’re here for. You’re curious what the Mayor had for dinner? Probably old welfare recipients, we imagine, but we’ll double-check to make sure.

As you can see we’re really a friendly bunch. Typical New Yorkers, in fact. All smiles and handouts. One problem, though, for all those folks who have expressed a desire to have us design custom band pages for them, but have made it clear that we should do it for free, there may be a problem. We’ve been looking long and hard for a grocery store to supply us with free food, and a nice landlord to stop charging us rent, but so far we haven’t made a lot of headway.

It’s been nice having this little chat with you and I look forward to next year when we do it again. By the way if you have any comments, please do drop me a note. My email is hillary_clinton@aol.com. (If it doesn’t work at first, just keep hitting the Send key, it’ll go through eventually.)