January 1998

The Hanson band members are dangerously cute and, yes, they do sound a lot like Alvin and the Chipmunks. The temptation, then, to put the trio on the chopping block is pretty strong but, truth be told, these three teenagers -- Issac (17), Taylor (14) and Zac (12) -- are a pretty impressive lot. I can, therefore, safely rest my cleaver for the moment while I happily embark on a relatively blood-free critique of the band.

The concept of happiness, in fact, is pretty much the optimal theme when discussing Hanson. Their songs are not deep or poignant in any shape or form. And, yes, their debut album, Middle of Nowhere, does have its embarrassing moments, as does the band members' rhetoric, on occasion. Nonetheless, the record, produced by the legendary Dust Brothers, is a stunning achievement from such a precocious bunch, as about 10 billion screaming teenagers would readily attest.

As the story goes, Hanson learned the bulk of their trade via a series of Time-Life rock'n'roll anthology tapes purchased by their father, oil consultant Walker Hanson, in 1990. The boys taught themselves how to harmonize by slavishly singing along with such ditties as "Rockin' Robin" and "Good Golly Miss Molly." (Judging by their current sound, "Rockin' Robin" appears to have had the bigger impact.)

The group first appeared professionally at a Tulsa arts festival in 1992 following a series of impromptu performances in greater pizza places everywhere. Hanson was soon discovered and managed by music lawyer Christopher Sabec and subsequently signed to Mercury Records by the Senior VP of A&R, Steve Greenburg, in 1996. Since then, Middle of Nowhere has become one of the industry's biggest runaway hits, selling over ten million copies worldwide to date.

Unfortunately, Greenburg, who is obviously dizzy with happiness, is fond of comparing Isaac, Taylor and Zac to John, Paul, George and Ringo. "More than anything, this reminds me of... the Beatles landing at Kennedy Airport," he says.

So just how well are the Hanson boys handling all the heaping mounds of success pointed in their general direction? Is there any truth to the rumors I've been hearing? Has the group really been chugging cans of Dr. Pepper and inhaling bags of Jelly Belly Very Cherry jelly beans like the stuff is going out of style? Are they really slated to appear as the famous siblings in a remake of My Three Sons?

The good news is that all plans for the sitcom have definitely been shelved (although a movie is in the works). As for the former, yes, the Hanson clan are certified members of Dr. Pepper Anonymous. However, they should have no trouble affording a good dentist at the rate they're going. The larger danger to their well-being probably lies more in the masses of teenage girls dying to rip out a few locks of their baby blond hair.

All told, however, the band appears to be dealing with their legions of hysterical female fans rather well. "All these screaming girls... you just have to have fun with it," says Isaac.

Nevertheless, it's a bit of a stretch to accept Hanson as the sex symbols they've obviously become. I mean, Zac is all of twelve years old, about four feet high and, like 39-year-old Michael Jackson, has a voice that has yet to break. Whether the little fellow has even experienced orgasm is anybody's guess. Fortunately for him, when he finally does, it will probably be from bedding down a six-foot tall Elite model and not some freckle-faced girl in the playground bushes like the rest of America's post-adolescent, teenage boys.