Madonna at the 48th Annual Grammy Awards, 2/8/6. Photo © 2006 Grammy.com.

Is there a more fitting opener for the music industry circle jerk of the year than an animated band? Oh the irony. Gorillaz got funky to their big hit "Feel Good Inc." and successfully thwarted the censors by rapping the lyrics as they appeared on record -- the words "ass crack" were heard loud and clear. Let's hear it for ass crack! The song ended and the lady Madonna was revealed. She looked faboo wearing a purple long-sleeved Iced Capades-worthy leotard and kicking up her legs to "Hung Up."

Alicia Keys and Stevie Wonder presented the first award, with Stevie making two jokes about his blindness. First he commented to Alicia how beautiful she looked and then pretended to read the name of the winner for Best Pop Vocal Album. A blind man making blind man jokes certainly succeeds in making one feel very uncomfortable. Heh heh, that Stevie, barrel of laughs, that guy. Erm… Right so, um, Kelly Clarkson won for Breakaway! She also won Best Female Pop Vocal Performance for "Since U Been Gone."

Cameras panned to Nicole Kidman looking like her sphincter was in a vice, but I think that's just her natural look. She was seated next to her sexy, grungy beau Keith Urban. It's like Coco Chanel dating the landscaper. Catorce!

Coldplay performed. Next.

R&B piano boy John Legend won Best Male R&B Vocal and Best New Artist, and sang his unbelievably ordinary hit "Ordinary People" while the cameras went all black-and-white, mimicking the music video for said song. Camera trickery, it's always a big hit.

Winners of the Best Rock Album for How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, U2 performed "Vertigo" for the nine-billionth time. Catorce!

Mary J. Blige and Bono at the 48th Annual Grammy Awards, 2/8/6. Photo © 2006 Grammy.com.

U2 then performed the first verse of "One" before handing the song over to Mary J. Blige, who purged her soul of sinful demons the way only the MJB can. Totally bad ass, emotionally moving, and it was that much less of Bono and his rose-colored sunglasses that we had to see.

Best Rap Album went to Kanye West who looked like Rocky Balboa at the Copacabana: white suit, shiny red shirt unbuttoned to his navel, huge gold medallion, post-cataract-surgery sunglasses. "I had no idea," said the smug tool with arms outstretched.

Paul McCartney and his jowls rocked out. He, Jay Z, and Linkin Park did a mash up of the Beatles' "Yesterday." All that was missing was a sample of Chris Farley saying, "Remember when you were in the Beatles? That was awesome."

Mariah Carey emancipated "We Belong Together" from her glistening bosom and toted a sparkly jewel-encrusted microphone. Madonna only had a headpiece for her performance. She totally got served. Catorce!

Attention Attention: Teri Hatcher wore underpants to the Grammys. Black boy-shorts to be exact. But it is with a heavy heart that I write the following: Dear Ms. Hatcher, I regret to inform you that to be considered for the Hot Crotch Award, you must be wearing a short skirt. You wore a sheer floor-length gown and are subsequently disqualified. Please re-read the Hot Crotch Award rule book and try again next year.

The biggest buzz of the evening was the impending reunion of Sly and the Family Stone who hadn't performed together since 1987. A notorious recluse/eccentric/coke freak, Sly hadn't been on TV since 1993. The Grammys decided a tribute was in order. Always a bad idea, and this year was no different. Joss Stone, Van Hunt, and John Legend got onstage and warbled "ooooh"s and "uuuhhhhh"s before singing a fragment of "A Family Affair." Then Maroon 5's Adam Levine and Ciara sang a fragment of "Everyday People." Then Will.i.Am rapped and "Dance to the Music" was heard. Robert Randolp, Joe Perry, and Steven Tyler attempted "I Wanna Take You Higher" but all I heard was Tyler chortling. And then, lo and behold, Sly Stone actually appeared. The dude looked like something out of Mad Max -- giant blonde Mohawk, sunglasses and gold lame overcoat. Hunched over like a poster boy for osteoporosis, he plinked a piano and bobbed up and down. Unfortunately, his microphone wasn't working. Way to go Grammys! You find the buried treasure and no one brings a shovel. Talk about blowing it.

Ciara at the Grammys, 2006.

One thing's for certain, Ciara is the winner of the 2006 Hot Crotch Award. Her little black dress looked vacuum-sealed to her body.

And now, a very brief mention of the big awards. Record of the Year went to Green Day for "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." Song of the Year went to U2 for "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own." Album of the Year was (surprise) U2. Fellow nominee Kanye West literally bowed his head and looked like he was praying when they were reading off the names of the nominees. Does that little gramophone really mean that much to him? Shit, he ain't nothin' but a gold digger. Catorce!