Alicia Keys at the 47th Annual Grammy Awards, 2/13/05. Photo © 2005 Grammy.com.

The Black Eyed Peas kicked off the nightmare with their normally infectious hip-pop party jam "Let's Get It Started." The song was originally "Let's Get Retarded" (no joke) but for pc reasons, they decided to change it before making the song a single. As it turns out, the Staples Center was already full of retards (i.e. the music industry), so there wasn't much creative compromising. From the Peas came Gwen Stefani and Eve singing the latter's "Rich Girl." Gwen and Eve were obviously in a battle for the most coveted honor of the evening – the hot crotch award. Though Gwen's crotch gave Eve's a run for the money, Eve wins. Because she's not Gwen Stefani. Congratulations, Eve! Then the Peas started singing. Then Maroon 5. Then Los Lonely Boys. Then Franz Ferdinand. By this time, I was having an epileptic seizure. For the climax, all the bands sang their songs simultaneously. Hello hello, I'm in a place called vertigo.

Then my head blew up and I died.

I recovered in time to see Alicia Keys perform "If I Ain't Got You," which should have won Song of the Year but instead that arrogant needle-dick John Mayer stole it. I digress. Quincy Jones and Jamie Foxx joined Keys for a gorgeous rendition of Ray Charles' "Georgia On My Mind." Looks like Quincy stopped off at the Jersey shore boardwalk to pick up a Ray Charles airbrushed t-shirt to wear under his suit jacket. Sweet. Jamie, on the other hand, had something either written or shaved across the back of his otherwise bald head. Had I known his head was up for ad space on eBay I would have bid for "Fury Sat Here."

Adam Sandler showed up wearing a windbreaker and three-day old stubble. Hey broheems, LL Bean called. They want to know if you'll do their fall catalog.

Best Rock Album went to Green Day for their punk opera American Idiot. Huge hugs for those guys. A punk opera is a giant crapshoot. Basically, everyone was expecting it to suck hot eggs and it turned out to be really friggin amazing.

Gwen Stefani and dancers, 47th Annual Grammy Awards, 2/13/05. Photo © 2005 Grammy.com.

At this point I complained to my cohort that I haven't made fun of enough people. My cohort reminded me that J-Lo and Marc Anthony hadn't performed yet. So true. Everyone was making a big, hairy deal about how it would be their first live performance together. Queen Latifah introduced the couple as "two of the world's most charismatic artists." Right. Apropos to the asinine praise was the cheesy stage setting. The freakishly gaunt and boyish Marc Anthony stood outside a makeshift balcony, which split to reveal J-Lo in a bedroom, which looked like an Ethan Allen showroom. There was a very strong Driving Miss Daisy vibe in the air, seeing as how Marc looked like limo driver and J-Lo looked like a ritzy madam.

As ridiculous as the performance was, it wasn't as unbearable as the southern rock all-star jamboree tribute fiasco. Gretchen Wilson, Keith Urban, Tim McGraw, Dickie Betts, and Lynyrd Skynyrd sounded like they were dragging livestock over hot coals. All the artists are great in their own right (save for the fake Skynyrd), but Christ on a corndog, they made a mess of "Freebird," "Ramblin Man," and "Sweet Home Alabama." It was enough to make any bar band in America forsake the genre and reinvent themselves as a polka ensemble. P.S. Johnny Van Zandt looks more and more like Vince Neil pre-makeover. P.S.S. Loretta Lynn didn't feel the need to join the rest of the folks in a standing ovation. Excellent.

Queen Latifah performed Sammy Davis Jr.'s "Lush Life," which begins like this: "I used to visit all the very gay places." Was she finally coming out of the closet and making public what everyone and their dog already knows?! Sadly, no. Though Ellen DeGeneres did introduce her. Hmmm.

Best New Artist went to Maroon 5 who yanked the rug out from under Kanye West. Maroon 5's singer's acceptance speech went like this: "Kanye West, thank you for being so unbelievable [and not kicking my bony ass back to Abercrombie and Fitch].... This is the trippiest thing I've ever gone through in my life [aside from Paris Hilton's butt cheeks]."

Kanye West's "Jesus Walks" performance relied on the same high-school-play set designer that built Marc Anthony and J-Lo's balcony. Kanye opted for a church set with pews, stained glass, and real-live church goers. There was a mock murder (Kanye's, of course), mock funeral (guess who?), and a mock resurrection (no really, guess who?). Finale: Kanye rises above the congregation with a set of giant white wings on his back. All I have to say is: are you motherfucking kidding me? Thankfully, he won his deserved Best Rap Album award, let his ego flap around a bit more, and then went away.

Kanye West at the 47th Annual Grammy Awards, 2/13/05. Photo © 2005 Grammy.com.

To honor Janis Joplin's lifetime achievement award, Joss Stone and Melissa Etheridge tag teamed "Cry Baby" and "Piece of My Heart." In a huge display of bravery, Etheridge, who is undergoing treatment for breast cancer, showed up without her wig and rocked out.

Best Country Album went to Loretta Lynn for Van Lear Rose, which she made with Jack White. A sheepish White was reprimanded by Lynn who commanded him to "say thank you." We know who wears the pants in that relationship, bitch.

Motorhead won Best Metal Performance for Whiplash. Was this televised? Of course not. We had to endure the tsunami-relief portion of the evening, introduced by Anthony LaPaglia. (Hi, where the hell did that guy come from? Where the shit am I?) John Lennon's "Across the Universe" was turned into an all-star atrocity featuring Bono, Norah Jones, Scott Weiland, Alicia Keys, Tim McGraw, Brian Wilson, et al. Download the song on iTunes and all proceeds go to the Red Cross. Better yet, just donate to the Red Cross. Classic moment: after the song, Nora Jones was presenting an award and blurted into the mic "That's still a great song." (i.e., We totally sucked, but donate money anyway.)

Song of the Year: "Daughters" by John Mayer. It made me decide to explore a new career importing manure instead of covering music-related stuff.

Usher and James Brown had a dance-off. Hotsteppers in the house. Yeah.

Random presenters: Lance Armstrong and girlfriend Sheryl Crow, whose yellow dress she said was made out of Armstrong's old cycling jerseys. It was butt-ass ugly. They presented Record of the Year to "Here We Go Again" by Ray Charles and Nora Jones.

The Ray Charles love-fest continued as Bonnie Raitt did a superb cover of "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind." And the random presenters continued with Raitt and Gary Sinise, who had to tell everyone he has a band called the Lieutenant Dan Band. Someone punch him, please. They presented Album of the Year to Genius Loves Company by Ray Charles and friends. No surprise there. Charles' longtime manager Joe Adams accepted the award, saying he and Ray loved everyone "madly, passionately, vigorously, and continuously." Then he hit on Queen Latifah's mom. One love, y'all.