Bono performing with U2 at the Grammys February 21, 2001, Photo © 2001 Grammys

About this time of year, there's more dignity in being a truck-stop stripper or criminal defense lawyer than in being in the music industry. Welcome to the 43rd annual Grammy Awards. Let the gore begin!

The pre-show was an indication of just how ridiculous the actual awards would be. Tony Danza is my generation's Dick Clark because he hasn't aged since his "Who's the Boss" days. Hey, look at me, I'm from Brooklyn, I've got a black leather blazer, I'm a meat-head, ba-da-bing! Then we had Danza's coconspirator, Leah Rimini, telling Faith Hill and Tim McGraw "You are, like, the perfect couple!" Like, go home Leah. But my absolute favorite pre-show moment was when Lucy Pearl was being interviewed (more like harassed) by two dimwit model-types whose names I didn't bother to learn. Lucy Pearl is telling Dimwit One how she hopes Jill Scott wins an award, but Dimwit One is talking over her saying "You've got better braids than Christina [Aguilera]." Ah, yes.

The Grammys opened with a Madonna video montage and the Lady herself getting down to "Music." Buffer than ever, she removed her jacket to reveal a black tank top with the words "Material Girl" printed on it. Say what you will, Madonna kicks total booty, and her performance was one of the evening's best. Quick necessary flash to husband Guy Ritchie sitting in the audience. We care, really.

And so we come to our host, Jon Stewart, decked out in a horrible blue-gray suit circa 1992 from Sears. His jokes sucked, which is sad because "The Daily Show" is a laugh riot. But the man has balls to make multiple jokes about Puffy Combs' arrest and trial and go so far as to say the newest addition to Puff's fashion line are all-orange jumpsuits. Check yoself befo you wreck yoself.

Best Female Pop Vocal went to Macy Gray for "I Try." Okay, score one for the home team. We're happy with that.

Eminem accepting an award with Toni Braxton, February 21, 2001 Photo © 2001 Grammys

N*Sync performed next, with Justin "Moncheechee" Timberlake sporting a new buzz cut because perms are, like, so totally out. N*Sync takes the award for worst dressed band of the night, though Elton John did in fact raid their dressing rooms once their song was over. For those of you that watched the entire performance, please tell me the significance of having an elderly couple sitting on a park bench onstage. Anybody? Didn't think so.

Best Pop Vocal Album went to Steely Dan for Two Against Nature, their first all-new album since 1979. Disappear for a few decades, come back with a decent album that outshines pop cheese, win the Grammy. That was hard. Steely Dan also picked up the awards for Album of the Year and Worst Attitude at an Awards Show. Really, could Walter Becker look more bored and unimpressed? Sit down, asshole, just because you beat out Britney Spears in this category doesn't make you cool.

It came as no surprise that Destiny's Child won for best R&B Duo or Group. "Say My Name" is rumored to be what George W. left on Al Gore's answering machine the morning after the presidency was made final. Destiny's Child looked genuinely grateful and astounded when they hit the podium. Walter Becker, take notes from these divas-to-be. Elsewhere, in the More Sexy Bitches department, D'Angelo's ''Voodoo'' won best R&B album and his song, ''Untitled (How Does It Feel)'' won best male R&B vocal performance.

The night's saddest, most embarrassing performance was, hands down, Paul Simon. He looked like someone dumped him out of his wheelchair and put a guitar in his hands. Simon waved his arms around, sputtered out the lyrics to "You're the One," and wore a happy look on his face like he was lost in the land of Oz. Please God, don't lead Paul Simon down the Liz Taylor/Frank Sinatra road.

Since Jennifer Lopez was not in attendance, Toni Braxton gladly took the reins for the Most Nude with Clothes On award. A drape hung in front of her not-so-private areas (front and back) and was held in place by a very large piece of Scotch tape wrapped around her hips. And everybody prayed for a gust of wind to blow open the door to the fun house.

Best Rap Album went to Mr. Controversy himself, Marshall Mathers, a.k.a. Slim Shady, a.k.a. Eminem, a.k.a. "Hate fags? Answer's yes!" Eminem was accompanied by his group D-12, just in case y'all wanted to start somethin'. Em thanked people for looking past the controversy and seeing the Marshall Mathers LP for what it was and wasn't.

The Band of Bands, U2, cleaned house with "Beautiful Day," performing the song with no fancy screens or pyrotechnics. U2 won for Best Rock Duo or Group in a category that included Foo Fighters, Bon Jovi, Creed and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. "Beautiful Day" also won for Song of the Year and Record of the Year (the difference?), and in their acceptance speech, Bono mentioned that he didn't feel quite comfortable thanking God for the award because the song wasn't really very good. The Edge said the words "female orgasmatron." I forget the context. Like that really matters.

But my personal favorite performance was Jill Scott, Moby and Blue Man Group doing Moby's "Natural Blues." The performance encompassed the power and expanse of "music" – however you define it – and made music something you feel and partake in, not something you simply observe.

Christina Aguilera arriving at the Grammys, February 21, 2001 Photo © 2001 Grammys

Best New Artist and Most Disheveled Appearance went to Shelby Lynne. It took her 13 years and six albums, but damnit, she's still the new kid on the block. The outfit was a shiny baby-blue two piece thing with a plummeted neckline that introduced the world to her tanned, glistening breast bone. Last year's winner, Christina Aguilera, jumped up and shouted, "Wet Seal, $29.95! You're not foolin' nobody, girl!"

News flash! Eryka Badu showed up sans giant head wrap and sans hair!

Let's get back to that Christina gal, shall we? Worst Hair of the Evening, hands down. Her braids looked like those hemp necklaces that hippies make and sell at Phish concerts. Nominated in the Latin Pop Contemporary category (along with Oscar de la Hoya), Christina also performed her song in Spanish while shaking her bon-bons under what appeared to be a giant doily.

In between the pop awards, we were informed of awards won earlier in the evening. Because rock and roll is not the moneymaker that pop is, all rock awards were given the back seat. Rage Against the Machine won Best Hard Rock performance for "Guerrilla Radio." Oh, if that ain't a giant kick in the pants of irony! Best Metal performance went to the Deftones for "Elite." Whee!

Now it's time for what we've all been waiting for. Elton John and Eminem teaming up on the latter's "Stan." But first, a public service announcement from the president of the Recording Academy, Michael Greene. Honestly, if you, the educated listener, really wanted to be insulted, you should have paid attention. Greene more or less stood up on stage for three minutes justifying Eminem's involvement in the Grammys. Mr. Greene, you stood up there like the Good Samaritan, backing up Eminem, when all you were really doing was covering your own ass to stay on good terms with civil rights groups and music fans who hate Eminem.

"Of late, the controversy over extreme lyrics has been a heat-seeking missle and it is important to remember that the Academy is not here to defend or vilify, commercialize or censor art," said Greene. Can you hear me laughing so hard I vomited in my lap?! Extreme lyrics "of late," as in, we never paid shit attention to rap until it started making us bazillions of dollars and now we have to justify rap in order to make more bazillions of dollars. But, if not to "defend or vilify, commercialize or censor art" what exactly is the Academy's reason for existing? "We are not here to recognize those recordings that are notable, noticeable and oft times, controversial," but I'll continue talking about why I'm a smart man and why the Academy is hip and open-minded.

"It takes tolerance to teach tolerance," said Greene. Now there's an ingenious phrase for a bumpersticker. While I wholeheartedly, 100-percent agree with that phrase, I wish the reason he felt compelled to say it wasn't because of one rapper's lyrics.

To the performance. Elton John showed up in one of the gayest outfits I've ever seen, a pink and yellow polka-dot suit. The contrast between him and Eminem was not only visually unsettling, but musically as well. It sucked. Elton John killed Dido's angelic chorus with his barking. Eminem rapped flawlessly, but every time Elton came in, it was like throwing a wrench in the gears. Big surprise. I would like to commend the profanity editor, however, for missing all of the 4-letter words in the performance and muting the word that came directly after. You're a total shit (mute).

In case you thought awards for quality music was all but lost, fear not. Best Dance number went to the Baha Men for "Who Let the Dogs Out?" Sweet dreams.

February 2001