Vanessa Williams and LL Cool J at the 72nd Annual Academy Awards held at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, March 26, 2000

Ah yes, and why should this year's Awards be different from any other. Hot air, indeed. From the moment Academy President Bob Rehme kicked off Oscars 2000 until its close, it was apparent that while the acceptance speeches managed to remain relatively brief, not a whole lot had been done to prevent them from being insanely stupid. In fact, if not for showcasing the best cleavage on the planet, the night would have a complete wash. Thank heavens for little girls.

Like a case of indigestion that only allows for temporary reprieve, Billy Crystal returned to host the event, offering his trademark breed of white-bread comedy. The giggling trio of Lucy Liu, Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore made the evening's first presentation: Best Costume Design (winner: Lindy Hemming for Topsy-Turvey). The girls looked terrific. If only they were given some decent lines perhaps it would not have been so painful to watch them. (Ok, let me fess up. I didn't really mind that they said a bunch of idiotic stuff. In fact, I'm not sure that I was listening – with all that visual stimuli hitting me at once.)

Mike Meyers and the breathtaking Heather Graham soon appeared to present the award for Best Sound (winner: The Matrix). Graham seemed like a shoe-in for Best Cleavage of the evening until a mere two minutes later when Winona Ryder took the stage looking exquisite in a skin-tight black getup that pushed her breasts up in the most scientifically effective manner.

Kevin Spacey accepting award for Best Actor

Cate Blanchett, Uma Thurman and Angelina Jolie, who won for Best Supporting Actress (Girl, Interrupted), had the nerve to appear in high-cut dresses causing them to be immediately disqualified from the Best Cleavage competition. (We're not playing games here, girls; we expect a little more effort in this area at next year's ceremonies.)

About an hour-and-change into the show, the respectable, boring presentations took place, Best Short, Best Animated Short – you don't want to hear about this stuff, do you? Right, then let's get on with this thing....

Soon, it was Cleavage City again, as Vanessa Williams strolled out, draped across LL Cool J's arm, to present the award for Best Original Song. Vanessa's breasts were so round, so protrusive, so artificially perfect that they knocked Winona Ryder out of the competition faster than an acceptance speech for Best Foreign Documentary. (Talk about Golden Globes....) Sarah MacLachlan, Aimee Mann, Phil Collins (winner of the category), Gloria Estefan with 'N Sync and the always uproarious Robin Williams separately performed the contending songs.

Additional musical spots included beautiful renditions (under the stewardship of house musical director Burt Bacharach) of previously nominated classics "Everybody's Talking at Me," "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" and "When You Wish Upon a Star" performed by Garth Brooks; "Shaft" by its composer, the super-cool Isaac Hayes; "Over the Rainbow" and "The Way We Were" by Faith Hill; "Alfie" by Dionne Warwick; "The Man That Got Away" by Queen Latifah; and "Secret Love," "I've Got You Under My Skin" and "All the Way" by the legendary and always amazing Ray Charles. The performances were, from my vantage point, perhaps the only segments of value in the whole damn abortion.

Shortly after half-time, Michael Caine won his second Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor (Cider House Rules) and gave a clearly heartfelt speech. Toward the evening's end, in one of the night's crowning moments of ego on display, Jack Nicholson presented the Irving G. Thalberg award to Warren Beatty. If you know who Irving G. Thalberg was, feel free to drop me a note. Back to the cleavage....

Selma Hayek appeared onstage and spoke about the previous awards show she hosted for Best Science and Technical something or other, wearing a low-cut, white satiny outfit that put her squarely in the Best Cleavage running. Hat's off to her for the effort but Selma would have simply needed breasts the size of Macy's Parade balloons to nail the top spot from Vanessa Williams. Additional Oscars awarded during the evening included...

Best Picture:		American Beauty
Best Director:		Sam Mendes, American Beauty
Best Actor:		Kevin Spacey, American Beauty
Best Actress:		Hilary Swank, Boys Don't Cry
Best Original Screenplay:		Alan Ball, American Beauty
Best Adapted Screenplay:		John Irving, Cider House Rules
Best Foreign Film:		All About My Mother

March 2000