Courtney Love at the 57th Annual Golden Globe Awards January 23, 2000

The 57th annual installment of the Golden Globe Awards proceeded at the pace of an Italian racecar fueled with espresso. The show kicked off by presenting awards for best supporting actor and actress in a motion picture to Angelina Jolie for her role in Girl, Interrupted and Tom Cruise for his role in Magnolia. Upon receiving her award, Angelina told the crowd, "What we're trying to do is expose ourselves as much as possible," which certainly explains a lot. Tom Cruise, on the other hand, appeared to have a hard time taking the whole thing seriously. He must not realize how important these things are to the rest of us.

Michael J. Fox

The winners for best performances by an actor and actress in a TV musical or comedy series were Michael J. Fox ("Spin City") and Sara Jessica Parker ("Sex in the City"). Fox received a standing ovation upon arrival at the podium. His gracious acceptance speech and good humor in the face of his much-publicized medical problems nearly brought tears to this old softy's eyes. Co-star and fellow nominee Heather Locklear, by the way, who recently turned 132, looked stunningly beautiful as if she just received a fresh coat of plastic on her way to the event.

Veteran actor Jack Lemmon picked up an award (what the hell do you call these things, Globeys?) for best actor in a TV movie or mini-series ("Inherit the Wind"). Lemmon mentioned that, as of late, he has noticed that cable and network TV "have been doing everything possible to bring quality writing to the screen." (The man obviously has a different cable provider than I do.) Jack was then unceremoniously rushed off the stage. In their efforts to keep the Globeys' lightning pace racing along, the Foreign Press Association apparently told each and every nominee (including Lemmon) to "please wrap it up" about midway through their speeches. (Must be those quality writers at work.)

Heather Locklear

"The Sopranos" pulled in Globeys for both best actor and supporting actress in a TV something or other. Supporting actress Nancy Marchand thanked her boyfriend (marry her, you fool) and her driver, which may just be a first. Not to be outdone, best actor James Gandolfini thanked a handful of boring people such as his writers and family, but then threw in his "Teamster driver" for good measure. "The Sopranos," by the way, was one of the big winners of the evening. In addition to the aforementioned awards, "The Sopranos" received Globeys for best TV drama series and best actress in a TV drama (Edie Falco). Another big winner was American Beauty which took best motion picture, best director (Sam Mendes), and best screenplay (Alan Ball).

Hilary Swank, who won for best actress in a motion picture (Boys Don’t Cry), refused to end her acceptance speech after receiving the obligatory teleprompt several times to "wrap it up," which brings me to the following point. It's obvious that in their efforts to present awards for everything on the face of the Earth, from best bathroom attendants to best hangnail on the set, the Foreign Press has forced itself into rushing the show into some sort of epileptic frenzy. Suggestion: perhaps the Association should rethink its approach. Drop a couple of awards. It's OK. Hollywood will survive. They'll all have a couple of double cappuccinos, a few quick face lifts, and get over it. After all, they say it's what you leave out that matters.

The show's pace mercifully eased a tad during the presentation of the Cecil B. DeMille Award to Barbra Steisand by 1998's winner Shirley MacLaine. MacLaine, who struggled a bit when stagehands neglected to provide her with a teleprompter (no awards for them), looked effervescent as ever. Needless to say, Streisand was also looking radiant. (I know it's all plastic surgery but damn if these old broads don't look stunning.)

It was during Babs's speech – which had something to do with hubcaps, I think – that I began to understand what these awards shows are all about. After struggling with it for so long, I suddenly realized that the trick is simply not to think about it too much. In fact, the real art is not thinking at all. A quick self-induced lobotomy and the whole thing becomes surprisingly delightful. Mmm, Juicy Fruit....

Speaking of lobotomies, Courtney Love appeared to present the award for best song in a motion picture to Phil Collins ("You'll Be in My Heart" from Tarzan). Courtney, who mumbled incoherently and then taunted Collins with his award, is living proof that drugs are obviously in more plentiful supply in Beverly Hills than in New York. I am not envious, however. After watching Courtney for a few brief but highly embarrassing moments, I decided to swear off the stuff forever.