NY Rock: Dear Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
Been dating the same guy (he is 26, I am 22) for over a year. We see each other every other day. Friday nights he goes out with his friends and Saturday night is always for us. He is ALWAYS tired on Saturday night and when he comes to pick me up at my place, he has a way of convincing me to just stay home and chill (FUCK). I feel short changed. I want to go out with him and have fun, but he says being home with me is much more fun than going out. The sex is amazing, but I am starting to resent him for this leftover from Friday night shit. Should I just dump him?

- Irate Iris

Dear Iris,
It's really simple. When he calls to let you know he is coming over, tell him you aren't at home; you are at a certain bar/club/restaurant. He should meet you there. Then you are already out and about. You are far too young to be a stay-at-home couple. If I were you, I would change this weekend situation. As in, you suddenly can't meet on Saturday nights anymore, so he will have to see you on Fridays instead. That way he can be nice and tired for his friends on Saturday. Insist upon this and it will work. I don't want to sound bitchy, but you are the one with the pussy, so you make the rules. The sooner you learn this, the better.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
Please give me a fake name. I was seeing two guys and having sex with both. I am now five months pregnant and don't know which guy is the father. I have picked the best guy and he thinks it's his and it very well could be, but it's eating me up inside not knowing. One guy is blond, the other brunette. What do I do if it comes out with blond hair (I am with the brunette now)? Should I just tell him now? What if he leaves me alone?
- Frantic Freda

Dear Freda,
Perhaps it will calm your nerves to tell you this happens a lot. You can't change the situation anymore, so there is no point in stressing out. It will just make you have a moody baby. Just go with the flow and if your guy someday insists upon a DNA test, do it. You have to just let things unfold how they are supposed to. If not, then there is nothing to worry about. Keeping mum doesn't mean you are lying, it just means you aren't saying anything. A tactic men understand oh so well. When your child gets older and you sense the brunette is not the biological father, you may want to tell your child and he/she will want a DNA test. Worrying about the future and past just fucks up today. Concentrate on being a great mom and everything else will fall into place.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have been religious about carrying condoms, just in case I meet a hot guy. What I don't understand is why the guys always look at me like I am a slut because I have condoms on me. It really ruins the whole mood for me. We can't win. I tell them "better safe than sorry" but there is always this stigma. That disapproving look comes my way. Should I stop carrying them? Should I use a different line? WTF!?
- Wanda

Dear Wanda,
Men should always have condoms on them, taken or not. You just never know when a pussy might "accidentally" fall onto them. If they don't carry them, and they are single, it means (a) they are not a player and never expect to get laid or (b) don't practice safe sex. Both are fucked-up excuses. Don't carry them on you if you are so worried about what they think. If they don't have any on them, make it a fun trip to go get them together. You could keep them in your medicine cabinet at home and say "My mom/sister/dad bought them for me for emergencies." You could be really sarcastic (like me) and say "Oh, the last guy left them here." My favorite is, when he asks you "Do you have any condoms on you?" say "Why would I? I don't own a cock."
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am a 29 year old living in NYC (gonna be 30 soon). I have had a fair amount of boyfriends, flings, etc. My previous obsession broke my heart, played me, and I held on for egoist reasons I realize now. He pumped me up and then dropped me -- and he had a girlfriend, but I still stuck around for longer than I shoulda. Anyway, I am over that dude and I feel free and good -- really, without too much baggage. I have done a lot of inner work.

NOW I meet this 24 year old -- cute, very driven, old soul, young in other ways, BUT has money and lots of goals. The problem is that although I am having great sex and fun talking and chilling with him. He is definitely still hung up on a girl (20 years old) whom he thought he would marry. She just broke up with him because he's not Jewish and she is.

Well, he likes me. I know that. He is honest and forthright. He said, "She has a claw in me," which makes me cautious, but I am still drawn to him. He is a pot head and still hung up on her. He had her picture hanging in his apartment until I asked him to take it down.

Usually I am all or nothing. I am the initiator here, but he wants it. He is just passive, and maybe not healed or resolved yet. Should I let it play out, or should I jump ship?
- Polythene Pam

Dear Polythene,
You little masochist. Falling for "unavailable" men will turn your life into a living HELL. He is not just "passive," he is high and apathetic, which means getting over her will take even longer than it should. How much time do you have to burn? Perhaps you are bored and these difficult relationships are entertaining for you, but I think they're a waste of time. One of the first things you should find out about a prospective partner is if they are taken or how long has it been since the last relationship (anything less than six months is skating on thin ice).

Dating someone else's man is ignorant and a freshly wounded person is in no state of mind to put full effort into a new relationship. They have to snap out of it and then find themselves again, shag around and THEN maybe put their heart on their sleeve again. I understand it may be hard to find a single, decent man in a big city but if you are going to be 30 soon you should know by now that dating a pot head, or even a drunk, is like throwing flames onto the relationship hell fire. Then you admit to being "the initiator"... omg... The only good thing you've said about this guy is he is cute, driven and has money... boooo, hissss... I'm gonna give this whole fucking idea big thumbs down. Time to jump ship, ya think?!
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My girlfriend and I are in our early thirties and have been together for five years. I forgave her for an affair she had a couple years ago because the thought of losing her almost killed me. We got over that hump and now a problem has arrived that I am not sure how to handle. She hasn't worked for the last 18 months. She does NOTHING except sit on her ass and surf the net. She says she can't find a job, but I know she isn't looking hard enough. Meanwhile, I am working my balls off, paying all the bills and wondering why. We have no kids so it's not like that is the reason she isn't working. She just got too comfortable and I guess I was so scared of her having another affair I kind of spoiled her too much. I was thinking of asking her to move back home to her parents. Is that wrong? I feel like I'm going to snap soon.
- Fool on the Hill

Dear FOTH,
You have every right to be pissed off. She is taking advantage of you. You give them an inch; they take a mile every time. You forgave an affair and she took advantage of the situation, not good. If it is hard for you to say it to her face, then write her a letter and tell her you are neither her father nor an ATM machine. She needs to pull her weight or move out. Tell her it's turning you off. I can't stand lazy fucks like that.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Rita,
Start to suck his cock and just when he starts to get into it, spin around so he knows you want it from behind. If he whines (he probably will) tell him, "Oh I guess that ADD* sex doesn't work for you either." You have to speak up; people can't mind read. Tell him in a nice, sexy way, you can't get off if he changes positions so often. You could get an egg timer and tell him he shouldn't let up until the bell rings. Let me know if that works.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Sadie,
Yes, take it as a compliment, but most men say that to get head, play into your ego, you know? I'm not doubting your oral capabilities. I am just saying it's a popular ploy.

No point in telling your hubby. It will only make him jealous, nervous and maybe even violent. Just keep those warm fuzzy thoughts to yourself and smile knowing he still yearns for you. Oh, and trying to get head and/or sex is what men are biologically supposed to do. So he's just doing his manly duty. No harm in asking is there?
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I used to have a girlfriend (we were both looking for long-term relationships) but she dumped me because my penis was too small. I had another girlfriend shortly after that but she dumped me for the same reason. I am looking for a long-term relationship with a girl, but I wondered if it's worth looking for one. Judging from my experience and other letters from your column, it seems all women care about is an adequate sex life and a guy with a huge penis! This is making me so freakin annoyed! Are there girls out there who don't care about the size of a guy's penis and will love him for who he is?
- Muffin Man

Dear MM,
Single moms and Asian women don't seem to give a shit about a man's cock size. I suggest you "shop around" with these women in mind. Single moms know that genital size doesn't matter that much, but having a father figure and loving companion does and Asian women have tiny snatches. Well, that's what my male friends report back to me anyway. I only know a handful of women who care about the size and the sex. Most want a generous, funny, polite, attentive, sober man around who will rub their feet now and then, so I guess you have just met the wrong few lately. Don't give up... "Every man has a woman who loves him."
- Dr. Dot

Dear Zomby,
If you are just "playing sports," it doesn't matter. If you are competing professionally, avoid snapping your carrot for one or two nights before the big game. It takes away your edge. We all know how men look after they cum. They are useless wads of Silly Putty.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I'm having a slight problem here.... I have about one month to get rid of a bad self-image thing I have going on. A man I care about very much is coming to my place for a week to visit. Problem is, I hate the way I look. Having a baby nearly killed me, but I'm 80 pounds lighter after a lot of hard work. Still, I'm not comfortable with how I look. How in the hell do I get over this -- before next month?
- Big Leg Emma

Dear Emma,
Humor makes everything better. Always keep that in mind. Funny people are irresistible, even if they aren't "gorgeous." Don't be nervous or talk too much, that will make him know something is up. Just breathe deep and let him do most of the talking. Have some wine and candles around for when you two get cozy and offer to massage his shoulders and ask him to massage your feet (word: pedicure!).

After a glass or two of wine, you will both feel more relaxed. Let things happen, don't freak. If he wants to turn the lights on, tell him "I feel freer when the lights are low." Actions not words, talking too much is SO annoying to men; it screams "I am so insecure, I can't handle silence!"

Wear things that flatter your figure. Men aren't as picky as you think they are. If you blow him, do it the BEST you can (use your hand and suck at the same time) he will fall for you big time. If you give a man great head, he won't give a fuck about cellulite. Humor, good oral sex, cooking together while you sip wine, and long walks when you can, will melt the worries away. Never apologize for your figure. You could, however, make a tiny joke about it sometime, say "I am a whole lotta woman" or something similar. It shows you are cool about your self image and have a sense of humor, and THAT is SEXY.
- Dr. Dot

Dear DB,
We start out in life wearing rubber panties and end life wearing rubber panties (you know, old people get them when they can't control their bowels anymore) so why not wear them in between too? I own several pairs of rubber pants and dresses and I know for a fact they make you sweat. How can your balls survive in such temperatures? Anyway, I looked in the Bible and "Thou shall not wear rubber panties" isn't in there, so go for it.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Saint,
Since that is indeed your most vulnerable area, of course it will hurt. It will surely be expensive, say around $2000 per ball. I really doubt it's worth all the hassle, unless you plan on having them in a close-up shot on film. If you had one removed due to cancer, then they may notice, but if one is just bigger than the other, they won't notice. I mean really, how much time do women spend analyzing balls? Asymmetry is what makes people interesting. No one is perfect.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I've had a male friend for the last year. He just recently split with this girlfriend and I fully intend on making him mine. I've been reading your column and totally get the fact that he will need some months to fully get over her and somehow it's working out perfectly as he has to leave next month for six months to study in Belgium. My question is, how can I keep his mind on me? How can I somehow "reserve" him? If he were a shirt, I would put him on lay-away, but he's not. He is a 23-year-old hot guy who looks like Orlando Bloom. Looking very forward to your advice.
- Parachute Woman

Dear PW,
The process of turning a friend into a lover is a delicate one. You have to slowly go from buddy to their object of desire, which means not being around ALL of the time and making tiny dates just for the both of you, but keep in mind that sleeping with a guy too soon ruins everything. You know I am not old fashioned but this bit of advice is timeless. If you screw a man too soon, they will always subconsciously think of you as easy and will behave more jealous than they normally would. If the opportunity arrives, however, give him one blow job right before he goes. This will keep him curious as to what's to come and will help make him yours. Aim for it being the best head he's ever had to keep him thinking about you the whole time he is gone. But like I said, wait until the last possible day and only do it once.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Sugar,
Men are not wired like women are. A very sarcastic but realistic way to get straight to the point: "Men cuddle to fuck and women fuck to cuddle." You simply cannot take this personally. In fact, I found that the more apathetic I am after sex, the more the man wants to cuddle. They feel SO intimate and out of control when they have sex that they have to reestablish their independence by pulling away. It usually happens subconsciously. They aren't even aware that they are acting slightly selfish. I think cuddling is over rated anyway; once you are both finished with sex, give each other some freakin' space to breathe.

Girls get energy; men basically slip into an after-sex coma. They want to savor the orgasm and talking or cuddling can be distracting. Let them pull away. They will come to you when they need/want to. Let them lead. There is no point making an issue out of it. Use this time (when he is busy on cloud nine) to go wash your naughty parts or get a glass of water/wine, etc. Don't stress, just let things flow and understand that this is how men behave after sex.
- Dr. Dot

Dear PS,
You aren't crying because the reality of it all hasn't registered yet. It will hit you someday and you will break down and cry. Men get kind of numb when such a thing happens. Don't beat yourself up. But when the time comes and you feel sad, go ahead and cry. Get it out. Explain to your gal pal that you are in shock and to lighten up on you and be patient or she could end up being a whipping post.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Lady J,
NOTHING. Don't do anything you wouldn't normally do. Be yourself. If they still come and stay, it will last longer. Some people put up a false front when they meet someone new. This is unwise, as sooner or later the real you will come through and the change may be a shocking let down. In fact, a woman who gives too much makes a man feel strange and could encourage a lazy and "take you for granted" attitude. Just be yourself and sooner or later, some one will adore the real you. Putting too much effort into things is exhausting and when you tire, it could back fire. As I've said many times before, lots of oral sex and laughter will make anyone more desirable.
- Dr. Dot