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Dear Dr. Dot
© 2006 Dr. Dot, NY Rock

Dr. Dot (a nickname given by Frank Zappa in 1988) has tended to the musical elite for nearly two decades. She describes herself as a "rock chick" who, as a teenager, wanted to meet her musical heroes without trading sexual favors. Instead, Dr. Dot offered massages, which she had been perfecting since she was five years old. Clients have included Sting, Eminem, the Rolling Stones, Sheryl Crow, Robert Plant, Kiss, Aerosmith, Blondie, Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, Vin Diesel, R. Kelly and Bruce Willis. She recently completed her first American book, "Butt-Naked and Backstage: Diary of the World's Greatest Rock and Roll Masseuse."

Submit a question to Dr. Dot

                                                                      June 2006

Dear Dr. Dot,
My husband and I have two kids; we're happy and have sex once a week, but it's very standard sex. I often find him watching hard porn (the women are dressed in rubber, etc.) and recently to his horror, I caught him having sex with a
Man's best friend?
pocket pussy. He was so embarrassed that he clammed up for a few days straight. I asked him if he is seeing another woman or if I am enough for him sexually and he says he is 100% true to me and that he is fine with our sex life. Do you think he is lying? I feel he has this whole other sex life going on without me and it's hurting my feelings, making me very insecure. I wonder if the women in the videos are what he really wants, or if he has another girlfriend that gives him the sex he obviously longs for. I guess what I am asking is, how can I get my husband back?
- Anonymous

Dear Anon,
A lot of men buy these pocket pussies, mostly out of curiosity and boredom of their left/right hand. It doesn't mean he doesn't love your pussy; it's just his alone time with his cock. Just ignore that. The fact that he watches porn is also normal. I don't know a man who hasn't at least watched porn once. Most watch it frequently. The fact that he doesn't want to have wild sex with you could be because you are the mother of his children. Some men find it hard to bang the same pussy that gave birth to their children the same way they did before the kids were born. (I am not saying ALL men, I said SOME. So spare me the whining, bitching emails.) He may think of you as a pure, holy being who nurtures his kids and loves him unconditionally. It could be in his mind you are now "mom". It may be hard for him to shut that off and turn on the "come here bitch and let me fuck your ass" attitude he sees in the porn he watches. You could get a babysitter and rent a room once in a while. See if he lets loose there, away from the domestic surroundings. Out of sight, out of mind. Watch a sexy video, have some wine, give him a back rub while wearing hot undies. Actions not words. If that doesn't work, write me back.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am a 23-year-old guy and this is the first time I have ever lived with a girl (she is 21). I am used to having my private "pull" every day, but I never find time alone to do it. She caught me once when she came home from work early and she was so upset. She can't understand that my wanking has nothing to do with our sex life. So I have two problems here: one, my girl is jealous of my right hand, and two, how the hell does a man find time alone to wank off?? Our bathroom doesn't even have a lock on the door! Do I have to fucking rent a hotel room to be alone with my own cock now?
- Cocky Carl

Dear CC,
She is young and may not know that a pull is just a pull. Maybe if she gets to watch you have a pull she will get more used to it. Tell her it would turn you on to watch her play with her pussy and while she is doing that, give yourself a pull. Hopefully, this will open up the masturbation door a bit for both of you. Tell her (but not during or after sex) that sometimes you just need to wank as a form of relaxation, and that it's something you've been doing half of your life and it's not a habit you could ever give up. As far as having alone time to wank, call her at work and ask her when will she be home (or arrange to meet her at a restaurant), so then you will know exactly how much time you have alone in the apartment. Weekends may be tough. Surely men who have lived with women for years must have clever ways of pulling this off (pun intended). I will probably get a few emails with suggestions. If I do, I will surely stuff them into my column ASAP.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
Is it okay to fuck a girl if she has her period? What about oral sex?
- Hesitating Harry

Dear Harry,
First of all, you can still knock her up during her period. No glove, no love. If you have the courage to lick a "crime scene" pussy, and the girl is okay about letting you do it, go for it. Of course it's okay to do it. Nothing bad will happen. You may even get some extra iron in you and she will feel fully accepted. The worst part about it is the mess. Make sure you have dark-colored sheets or towels to put under your play area. When the passion is so strong and urgent that you have to have each other NOW, no mess should discourage you.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My boyfriend "snaps his carrot" like five times a day and still wants sex with me even after all that! He is 23, so shouldn't it slow down about now? Is this normal? Aren't I enough for him? Am I dating a wanker?
- Pissed off Paula

Dear Paula,
Yes, it's normal. Be happy he is busy with himself and you. It could be worse; he could be with a few different girls a day. I know men who are in their 40s and still talk about how often they have a pull. I often wonder where they find time to work or to do anything else, for that matter. It seems like a full-time job to me. There is nothing you can do about it. Just enjoy and be happy you don't have a stiff muscle that needs constant attention.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My girlfriend won't tell me how many lovers she has had in the past. I told her my number, but she won't even give me a ballpark figure. Is this a bad sign? She is really good looking and amazing in bed, so I can't help but wonder. How can I get her to tell me? It's making me curious to the point where I'm debating hiring a detective.
- Nate

Dear Nate,
Even if you hired her gynecologist as your detective you will never know how many lovers she has had and if you did know, you may end up disappointed, angry, jealous and/or bored. This topic should be taboo; it's private and irrelevant! Asking such questions makes you appear insecure (and nosy!) which gives her power over you in the game of love. Don't tamper with the fine balance in a relationship if you don't have to. The past is over. Just live in the present and enjoy her talent.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
Why is it that when I start seeing a woman and ask them to take an AIDS test they take it personally and get defensive and offended? I can't relax until a girl takes the test for me.
- Cautious Carl

Dear CC #2,
Anyone who refuses to get an AIDS test to make their partner relax is hiding something, or simply afraid of the truth. This is a major red flag. Try offering to go together, say, "Let's do this together so we can both relax." AIDS test or not, the only real way to stay safe is to always use condoms. If a person is such an ass about such an important thing, why bother?
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
Not trying to be conceited, but I am a hot young lady. When I go out to clubs, guys always ask for my number all night long. If I say "no," they get mad and call me stuck up or a bitch, etc. Should I just say I don't have a phone? I even tell them I have a boyfriend, and they don't care.
- Pretty Woman

Dear Pretty,
You must feel like a star. If you don't have the balls to say, "Well, I would give you my digits, but your breath smells like a compost heap so first drag your ass to the dentist," then say, "Here is my landline, but don't call after 10 p.m. or you'll wake my roommate." (That way they won't try the number in front of you.) Plan ahead, save a few fake numbers in your handy, like the number to an office that you know is closed at night. Make sure you know where the nearest exit is in case they call your bluff.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I've just begun stretching my anus in the hope that it expands enough to take cock. I'm currently using a medium-sized butt plug. I use it once or twice a week only because of time constraints. The problem is that I can't take the entire plug into my butt with ease yet so I can't imagine how my hole would become wide enough to take a large plug let alone the average-sized cock. What steps can I take to get a big asshole? How do porn stars develop wide holes?
- Anal Aspirant

Dear AA,
I am not an anal enthusiast. In other words, I find anal sex to be a pain in the ass and I'm not the best one to ask for ass advice. I've heard from my gay uncle that doing it in the missionary position at first makes it less painful (in other words, doggy style is hell) and to have loads of lube at hand. As far as I'm concerned the asshole is EXIT ONLY, so may I suggest asking a gay man -- they are all about anal. Oh, and to answer your last question, "How do porn stars get such wide holes?", well, that seems rather obvious doesn't it? They take a pounding in their ass on a daily basis (makes you wonder what their farts sound like), and as we all know, practice makes perfect.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have been dating (no sex yet, well maybe a little) a man whom I have had an incredible connection with. I hadn't been physically attracted at first but he made it clear he was and if we spent time together I would be too. He is an amazing man, kind, romantic, well respected, very creative in many, many ways (musician), treats me with great respect and appreciates the woman I am. We work well together. My affection did grow over time (about nine months) and now we are madly in love. The problem is he is a polygamist (different than a swinger) and of course a gemini. He is also Muslim, very committed to his faith.

Now when he first told me, I thought no problem; I was not attracted and we will have a great friendship. Now that we are in love I have to decide to end it or continue. The thought of ending it breaks my heart. We have spent hours talking about his lifestyle and mine and I have come to understand the place his lifestyle has and have come to accept it. I am a very contemplative, intellectual person and have done a lot of reading on Islam and polygamy. He is very clear about his intentions to make me his second wife (spiritual union before God, not a legal marriage) and despite my upbringing I am considering it. On so many levels, it feels right. He is not the player type. If I want to be with him I have to make a real commitment. He is planning a night out with his wife and me, so we can meet each other. This will either snap me back into reality or be a pleasant surprise.

My question to you: "Is it possible for a good descent man to want two wives? Is it also possible for a strong independent woman to truly accept this? Or am I compromising because I am so madly in love. Have I been brainwashed?"
- Willing Wanda

Dear Wanda,
Most men find it hard to be physically true anyway, so what's the difference? (Spare me the bitchy emails, I said "most".) At least he's being honest about it. As in, "I am strong enough to care for more than one woman, and I want you to be one of them." Marrying him means you are cool with his ways and don't feel threatened. Nothing lasts forever and we only live once. If you "marry" him and find out later it's not for you, just leave. As you said, it's not a legal marriage, just a spiritual one. No big deal. Take a chance, love is worth it. Live, love, laugh and do like Janis Joplin says, "get it while you can!"
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating, even though I'm not. I want to know how I can stop her from this insulting behavior. Sometimes I work late or go for a few brews with my friends, and this prompts a huge amount of questioning and blaming. I love her madly, but this has got to stop or I'm history.
- Loyal Lionel

Dear Loyal,
Perhaps you should open your eyes a bit more as to what she's up to, why she's so quick to blame. The next time she throws accusations your way, say "Just like a thief lives in fear of someone stealing from them, a cheater is always afraid their partner is cheating on them. Is that why you keep accusing me?" This should shut her up. If you really are being faithful and she won't let up, warn her once, then walk.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have a confession to make: I have been faking orgasms with my boyfriend and I want to come clean. I am 34 and he is 27. We have been together for two years and he has never made me cum, but I fake it so well, he thinks I cum every time. It started out harmlessly. I just faked the orgasm because he was working so hard at it and I was getting tired. Now it's a game I have to keep up and I am getting sick of it. I can make myself cum, but he can't. Please throw me a bone.
- Faking Fran

Dear Fran,
Faking an orgasm is like bombing for peace, or fucking for virginity. It's the most ignorant thing one can do. Just be yourself and you can never go wrong. Telling him you have been faking it will surely end the relationship. So if you want to save it, just stop faking it immediately and when he asks what's wrong, just tell him you are stressed/tired or you feel it's time to try new things in bed. Then show him how to make you really cum. Show him how you make yourself cum. If you really don't give a rat's ass about the relationship, tell him you have been faking. It will make you feel great to come clean, but surely it will crush him and make you look like a lying cunt. Being brutally honest is empowering and can hurt others, but being too diplomatic and lying is far worse.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I met a woman online five years ago. At first she was a nymphomaniac, couldn't get enough. So I married her three months later. Slowly the sex life died down. We had a baby, then there was no sex for a year. Then we finally had sex, she got pregnant and now we have two kids and no sex life. I have begged, romanced her, everything. She won't budge. I finally met a Chinese woman at work and started an affair. For the last three months we have had amazing sex and she makes me feel alive again. She has to return to China and wants me to join her. I am ready to leave my wife; will be sad to leave my kids, but I can't live in a sexless miserable marriage. I just want your opinion on this. Am I wrong?
- Set Free Freddy

Dear Freddy,
You could be going from the frying pan into the fire. You don't know her that well and I can tell you, most women give it their all in the beginning to lure the man into a relationship/marriage. (I said "most", not all!) If you left your wife and two kids for her, what happens when she loses her sex drive? I would think long and hard about that if I were you. The grass is always greener, an old statement but one that still holds strong. I understand having an affair, but not one that could prevent you and your children from seeing each other regularly. Women come and go, kids are forever.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
Please don't scathe me, but I can't be true to a man. I always have boyfriends and cheat on them. Then cheat on them (the ones I've cheated on). I have always done this and felt I had to confess and ask for help. I am now 35, but look very hot for my age. Most think I am 25. I realize that soon I should have a baby and settle down, but feel it isn't in me to be true. How can I change that flaw? It's raining men, I have my pick, but one is never enough.
- Binging Barb

Dear Barb,
You either just love a variety of cock or you are so afraid of being left that you keep a few going at the same time to avoid ending up alone. Perhaps you were abandoned by one of your parents in your youth or never got over your first heart break. It isn't fair to the guys unless you are upfront about it. There is nothing wrong with playing the field, as long as you tell them they are not the only one. When you start making them all believe they are the only one, then you are heading for disaster and sleepless nights. Start being brutally honest and see what happens. It could be freeing and finally show you who the right one is for you. The one who is persistent in making you solely his will hopefully show you that true love does exist. Dating like you do may appear to be the safe option, but it is preventing you from experiencing intimate love, the stuff all the great songs are about. No one can avoid heart break. In fact, it builds character and makes you appreciate love much more.
- Dr. Dot

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