NY Rock: Dear Dr. Dot

Dear Chris,
Nowadays, the economy forces many people to live with their folks. I personally know a lot of people who still live at home, male and female. Females living at home are accepted easier than the male who still lives at home. The sooner you tell the girl about your living arrangements, the better. Tell her you are saving up for a house and you will move out once you meet "the one." If she frowns or gives you shit about it, either move out for her or move onto a more tolerant girl. You could also say, "this way I have more money to spend on dating," and show her a good time. As far as the squealing goes, bring her out for some karaoke before you bring her home. Have her sing some Guns and Roses or AC/DC. That should help her lose her voice a bit (or bring her on a few scary roller coasters) -- you get the idea. If you can’t swing that, try to keep a finger or two in her mouth. She will hopefully suck your finger(s) and that will keep her quiet.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Alicia,
Fighting over a guy is about as useless as a cat flap in an elephant house. Apparently he likes abuse, and unless you are willing to abuse him, let him go get his dose. Don’t take his wishy-washy ass back unless you too are into being treated like shit. It’s always best to ask a person when you first meet them, how long ago was their last relationship. Anything less than six months and there is bound to be some rebound trouble near by. I would tell him, "don’t let the door hit you on the way out." Do you really want to be second choice? I think not. Love works best when the man is more in love with the woman anyway. This man sounds like he is in love with another woman and if he can live without you, let him!
- Dr. Dot

Dear P.P,
I feel your frustration, nothing worse then fuming private parts. A good way to gauge a female's hygiene habit is to have a good look at her feet first. I have mentioned several times before anyway, that you guys should be starting foreplay with a foot massage for her. Look closely at her feet; are they clean, nicely groomed? If so, it means she cares about herself, even down to the toes. If a girl has nasty feet, dirty, chipped toenails with rough skin and an offensive smell to top it all off, it is usually a sure thing that her snatch will be in the same condition. Save yourself from a muff diving accident by rubbing (and sniffing) her feet before you go for the pink parts. If for some reason you can't get to her feet, drag her into the shower for some wet, clean fun before you start anything else. You could always refrain from giving oral sex, but then don't expect her to suck your sausage.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am a (female) massage therapist like you. I am often faced with the happy ending request. I don't dress sexy or lead male clients on at all, but still, they flirt and try to coax me into "full release" massage. I make it very clear to them this is not my thing, that I just give normal massages. After I tell them this, most never return for a massage again. How do you deal with this situation? It must happen to you too.
- Jesse G.

Dear Jesse,
This happens constantly to me and I always use humor to put my point across. It usually starts during the thigh or stomach massage. They pitch a pop tent and start talking bullshit. I just say things like, "Happy ending? I give UN-happy endings, ok?" or "You can massage that muscle yourself later at home" and "think ugly thoughts and it will pass" and "if I gave happy endings, I would be a billionaire by now." I ease their minds in the situation by tossing in a joke, which doesn't embarrass them. I am sure they don't return because they are embarrassed or perhaps really just looking for erotic massage -- and in that case, you should be glad they have disappeared.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. It's mad love, absolutely mad. We have been through so much fighting and leaving and just crazy episodes (mostly on my part) and we're still together and still in love.

We used to have sex CONSTANTLY! Everywhere. We must have had sex in almost every bar bathroom in NYC and then some. It's always been incredible, according to him, even though I'm 24 and he's 8 years older than me and much more experienced. Lately, it has died down to a lot less. Sometimes we'll go two weeks or so without making love.

I confronted him the other day (again) and he keeps saying he lost his drive. I called him a liar; I told him to just admit he's not into me anymore. I offered to spice it up any way he wants -- except threesomes -- and all he kept saying was no babe, it's not, I think I'm just getting older; I don't get horny as much anymore.

What do I do? I don't think he's cheating. I wanna make things better. I don't want him to be bored with me! I'm pretty much down for anything at this point (except other women -- and he doesn't even want that!). Is the honeymoon really over??? Should I just accept this behavior? Is it normal?

Thank you SO MUCH for your help!!!
- Sexy Sadie

Dear Sadie,
Calling him a liar when he says he has lost his drive is a bad move, and then asking him if he is still into you, well, I just don't know where to start with you. I have to compare humans with dogs once again when it comes to smelling fear (and lack of confidence). That my dear, is a vicious circle. Never ask a man how he feels about you, or if you look fat, for that matter, as they will always lie when put up against a verbal wall. Just see how he is treating you, if he isn't all over you, maybe he isn't "into" you at the moment, but all relationships run out of steam after a while. Eventually, the sex routine slows down. You can't expect fireworks from someone you live with or see all the time.

Distance and time apart, even emotionally, can get things hot again. Don't start any sex, just walk around looking really sexy and go about your business; see if he goes for it. If not, take care of your sexy mood yourself; have a wank, watch some porn. If he still doesn't start sex with you after a month or so, you may want to think about what is really important to you. If he is treating you fine in all other areas of the relationship, maybe you could decide if sex is really that important to you or not. Would you leave him over sex? If he is a bastard to you AND withholds sex from you, time to jump ship. You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Calling him names and demanding to know why he isn't shagging you will only make you look mean and insecure. Just keep busy and sexy and wait things out, then decide what your next move is.

I know men in their fifties who are still horn-dogs, but then again, every one is different. Maybe he is just feeling unattractive and tired. Massage him wearing very little, but give him a real massage, not an erotic one, and see if that perks him up. He may just need a challenge again. Let him yearn!

P.S. "Mad love" isn't always the best love for the long haul.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I've been with the same girl for almost four years. We haven't been the best to each other. I've been promiscuous as has she. Her more than me. As of January we got back together after a gut-wrenching break up. We vowed to be good to each other this time around. Now I'm starting to go through trust issues w her again. I feel like everything is just a big lie. She swears that everything's ok, that I have no reason to worry. I broke up w her 10 days ago. Since then all I've done is miss her as she has me. My friends hate her for everything she's done, but they're my friends; they'd hate anyone who hurt me. She has trust issues w me as well. We want to be together, but I don't know how to heal what's been damaged. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. By the way, we are both in our 20's and live 3 hours away from each other, both in party towns! Thanx in advance.
- Lost in Limbo

Dear Lost,
You may not like my advice, but here it goes. Once trust is gone, it is almost impossible to have a smooth sailing relationship, no matter how much you adore each other. You will always feel like you can't let your guard down and especially living far away from each other. You are both so young, perhaps you can try to love lightly, hold on loosely. I know that is hard though, been through that myself. The only hope you two have is to move on, see other people and know that what's meant to be will be. Maybe you both need to sew your wild oats a bit longer and end up back together someday, but obviously you are both not ready to settle down for the long haul; so rather than being another divorce statistic, try to agree upon seeing other people, but when you meet up, have fun. This gets tricky with sex. It must always be safe sex when not exclusive. It's summer, loosen up a bit and enjoy! Re-evaluate in the fall.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Nancy,
Once you decide to move on, there is no need to inform your date about your love-life history. It would bore him and probably scare him off. Let things unfold naturally. If your ex and new guy meet one day, just casually say, "Oh, that's my ex, who decided to shit on his own door step," and laugh it off. With a new guy at your side, you should be busy making out, not gossiping about old news. Keep your head up high. Don't bad mouth your ex, in fact, and don’t mention him at all anymore.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Alan,
I should just change my name to "Dr. Ass" since I get so many Q & A's about anal situations. Anyhow, she may wonder, why all of the sudden the ass parade? Ease into it physically, not verbally. The missionary position (woman on the bottom) is the least painful way to try out anal for the first time with a woman. Perhaps after you make her orgasm, she would be open to some more fun, as a treat for you. Take care of her first to increase your chances of it running smoothly, and make sure you have tons of lube near by, and start with your fingers to loosen up the situation. If she freaks out over your fingers, that is a good sign she isn't going for the butt-hole surfing. If she is fine with the fingers, let her guide you, as not to rush in and cause too much pain all at once. I swear I have answered this question a few times before. What's up with men and the ass? Good luck and remember, take it slow and greasy if she agrees.
- Dr. ASS!