© 2006 Dr. Dot, NY Rock Dr. Dot (a nickname given by Frank Zappa in 1988) has tended to the musical elite for nearly two decades. She describes herself as a "rock chick" who, as a teenager, wanted to meet her musical heroes without trading sexual favors. Instead, Dr. Dot offered massages, which she had been perfecting since she was five years old. Clients have included Sting, Eminem, the Rolling Stones, Sheryl Crow, Robert Plant, Kiss, Aerosmith, Blondie, Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, Vin Diesel, R. Kelly and Bruce Willis. She recently completed her first American book, "Butt-Naked and Backstage: Diary of the World's Greatest Rock and Roll Masseuse." Submit a question to Dr. Dot

Dear Pat,
You say he is an "honorable man" and "devoted father and friend" and you still love him, so why even think of leaving him? Bruce Springsteen sings "every body's got a hungry heart" and he ain't lyin'. Even if you broke up your family and found another man, the next man will probably watch porn secretly as well. Even if you watch it with them, they sometimes want to watch it alone, secretly. As we all know, forbidden things taste the best!

Stop taking his naughty side so seriously. The more you freak out about it, the more he will do it. If he is treating you good, that is all that matters! You can never control what another person does and why would you want to? If he is blatantly cheating and throwing it in your face, then you should consider leaving him. But it seems you are hunting for clues and spying on him (setting up traps for him on-line -- tsk tsk!), which means you have way too much free time on your hands and are looking for evidence that he doesn't love you. You have been together so long, it's only natural to have sexual fantasies about others and porn makes it easier.

If I were you I would concentrate on your career and kids. When he wants to show you love, welcome it with open arms. When he wants alone time with his cock, find something else to do. It doesn't mean he doesn't want you or love you. It doesn't mean he will soon cheat on you. It means he wants to have a wank, plain and simple!
- Dr. Dot

Dear BB,
I am wondering how these "money motivated whores" even know your financial status? You must flash and flaunt it otherwise they wouldn't know you have it. You have a Catch-22 vicious circle on your hands/heart/genitals. You get laid because of your money, then loathe the women because they want you for your money (rock stars have the same dilemma: They get laid thanks to their status, but sometimes feel empty because they are aware of that, then numb their pain with either drugs, alcohol or yet more easy meat).

Just as men rubber neck at young, perky breasts, a tiny waist and child-bearing sexy hips, women look for security, which is measured by money. Most of the time they subconsciously gravitate towards successful men as they want that safe nest to bare children, so it's usually not an evil motivation. It's human nature. Just like in the wild, the female mates with the strongest male. You can't bash them for this and you certainly can't change it. What you can change is yourself and how you court the opposite sex.

Try meeting women who aren't in the VIP bars, clubs and restaurants. Try using your charm and humor to attract women, perhaps in the park, dance classes, gyms, etc. Also, sometimes going for the hottest, most gorgeous chick is the problem. You may want to lower your standards a bit, try a cute but chubby woman, you get my drift. The tall, slender, hot women know they are fiercely sought after and they usually go for the richest or strongest one they can find. Chubby plain-Jane types try much harder and will appreciate you more. (Have you seen Steve Martin's "The Man with Two Brains"? If not, it's a must see!) Never pull out your trump card by telling them your financial status or even flashing that Rolex. Then you will never know if they want you or your security.

Haven't you seen Eddie Murphy's "Coming to America"? If not, rent it. True love does exist, but you have to play the game of love with patience. It doesn't happen over night. You have to love yourself and I mean really love being you, before another person can. The survival-of-the-fittest routine is even more extreme in big cities, so you have to use your wits when hunting down the heart of gold you yearn for. I feel for you and hope you find your true love.
- x Dr. Dot

Dear EHH,
Woody Allen said, ""Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." So I can see the positive side of being bi. I have pleased a few ladies and it was fun, but I am no expert on "male on male" sex (even though my uncle is flaming gay and proud). Every guy I have dated asks me if I have had sex with women and I always tell the truth, "Yes, I have. It was fun, but I prefer cock." And it usually never comes up again. I always ask the guy if he has had sex with a man (it's only fair, he asked me, so I get to ask to), and so far, the answer has always been "no" (except one German guy who admitted to receiving a blow job from a guy when he was younger). I have to admit, I looked at him differently after that. I thought, well, this guy is very sexual, very open, but it also made me act differently around his male friends. I was thinking in the back of my mind, "which guy will suck my boyfriend off next?"

I think if you are asked, by either sex, it is best to tell the truth. I don't think it's anybody's business how many sexual partners you have had. But hiding your bisexuality is not a good idea, especially if it is something you are proud of. Hopefully, you practice safe sex, which should put everyone's mind at ease. I personally could not date a guy who also fucks men. I just couldn't. Especially after seeing "Brokeback Mountain." I would wonder whether the guy was taking either sex seriously or not. (That movie also made me think "So, this is the REAL reason men like to shag their women up the ass.")

You say one woman got cold feet after she found out, or so you think. This could be so, but you have to take that chance and stick up for your sexual preference. If they can't handle your truth, they won't be able to handle you and your open-minded sexuality. Gay, straight, bi, everyone should be proud of their preferences and enjoy them as often as possible.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Anon,
All of this trouble you go through seems silly. Why not just ask him to be more gentle or go a few days without shaving if he wants to be rough. (It's the fresh stubble that hurts like sand paper.) Ask him to use his lips when he kisses, not his whole face. If he doesn't listen to your suggestions, you can rub Vaseline on your face before Mr. Stubble gets a hold of you.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Free Bird,
Married men always say they're leaving their wives, but they seldom do. That's why (which you just learned) it's not a good idea to snack on married men. You never know if they are bullshitting or not. Write him an email or letter and tell him if he wants to keep fucking you, he has to accept the fact that you want to remain single. You enjoy your freedom and leaving his wife for you would be a disaster.

Tell him it turns you on that he is taken and it would kill the passion if he wasn't. I think he is calling your bluff, but just in case, you have to make it very clear that you are free and want to stay free. Writing this is better than saying it to his face. That way he can read it over and over again until it sinks in. Start your letter off with "Dear Fuck Buddy." This should clear things up.
- Dr. Dot

Dear GG,
Bring a bag of croutons into the bedroom and tell him you need them to go with your clam chowder. Maybe that will bring the point home. If not, next time he cums in your mouth, french kiss him right away, slip some of his stew into his mouth and see how he likes it. If you don't have the balls to do that, tell him he needs to drink more water and wank more often. A lack of fuilds is what's clogging his pipes. If that doesn't work, tell him you will only blow him if it doesn't involve taking his stew into your mouth. Smell and taste are nature's way of telling you this partner is or isn't the right one to breed with.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Anon,
No, don't see a specialist. It will put too much pressure on an already tense situation. Most wives want less sex than their husbands. I get such email messages every day. All you can do is play upon her romantic side. Tell her she looks good, you miss her smile, you can't wait to massage her feet again. Give her genuine compliments ("you are so smart and kind, you are my wonder woman") and this will hopefully get her to want to reward you with sex (or as women sometimes prefer, "love making"). Have you never heard the expression "women fuck to cuddle, men cuddle to fuck"?

Keep that in mind at all times and follow through with your romantic promises, foot rubs get all women horney! Just don't slack off; do it for at least 20 minutes, in a candlelit room, with a glass of wine at hand. It should work! By the way, most women don't get turned on by X-rated pics. It takes more than a visual to get us going and you should be happy that she says she is "not interested in sex at all when you aren't around." It would be hell if she were gaggin' for it while you were away. The UPS man would be having all the fun!
- Dr. Dot

Dear Fred,

1. Find some space: No massage table? No worries, find a few thick blankets and make room on the floor. Naturally, a cushioned massage table is the best, but a floor is second best.
   
   
2. Set the mood: Make sure the room is warm and the lighting is soft. This helps the person receiving the massage relax and stop worrying about how their body appears. Always ask if they want music, and if so, let them choose.
   
   
3. Dress or undress for comfort: When giving a massage, it is best to wear loose-fitting clothing that breathes. Everyone involved with the massage should remove all jewelry and long finger nails are a no-no. It should be up to the recipient if they should completely undress or not.
   
   
4. Tools: Blankets, sheets and towels -– to lay on and to cover the person while massaging them; Hair ties -- get all hair out of the way; massage oil -- lotion is a nightmare as it balls up constantly. The lube doesn't have to be expensive. Even olive oil will do. As my hero Frank Zappa says: "Any kind of lube will do, maybe from another part of you; lube from the north, lube from the south. Take a little slobber from the side of your mouth. Keep it greasy!"
   
   
5. Have the person lie face down (unless they are pregnant, then a chair massage is best, or on their side). Keep them warm: my method is always cover the whole body except the area you are working on at the time. Roll up a few towels or a pillow and put under shins to keep legs/feet comfy. If it is a female she may want a pillow for the chest area.
   
   
6. Lube time: Never put oil directly onto a person's skin; this is shocking and cold and is sure to ruin the mood, so always warm the oil in your hands first. A few drops of lavender in your oil will make the massage more relaxing (or lemon to energize).
   
   
7. Rub the back first; it is the biggest area, and there is a lot of tension in the back and shoulders. Lean onto your hands to make the strokes nice and strong. Putting one hand on top of the other increases the strength and feels great for the recipient. Drag your finger tips heavily up and down the back, just along side of the spine. Use your thumbs to rub the muscle that runs from beneath the skull down to the shoulder in a firm motion. Never waste a trip -- go down the back, and without losing skin contact, rub them up the back as well. It is wonderful if you can do the whole massage without losing skin contact. Always have one hand on the body. Also, I can not stress enough how important it is to have very short nails. If you refuse to trim them, you have to figure out how to use your finger tips without the nail, which is next to impossible. One wrong move with a nail and the person will lie their worrying about the next attack in stead of giving into the pleasure of a massage.
   
   
8. To be sure you are giving a great massage, just try to imagine the body you are rubbing is your own. What would feel good to you? How would you like to be rubbed? Always keep this in mind, and pamper the person. Ask them to be quiet and just enjoy being pampered. Talking during a massage is counter productive. If you must chat, save it for the foot massage, where you can both have eye contact. Avoid cracking any bones; even if they ask for it. This can lead to trouble (and lawsuits)!
   
   
9. If the person wants more pressure, and your grip is not strong enough for them, use your forearm and elbow to rub the muscles, avoiding bones. Bone on bone is painful, especially the spine.
   
   
10. After at least 20 minutes on the back, cover the back and move to the legs. Kneel at the feet and use both hands to stroke up the leg, using body weight (as always). Avoid too much pressure on back of knee -- this is painful. Knead the legs with both hands. Do the pizza dough method: [see 15(B) below] covering all areas, spoil your partner!
    
    
11. I prefer to have the person lie on their back during the foot massage. Place a pillow under the person's knees for comfort. Sit between their legs, and face left when massaging the left foot and right when massaging the right foot. This gives you the chance to chat and is the best position for handling the foot. Use your thumbs and rub the arches firmly and try to keep a strong touch to avoid tickling them. Twist both hands firmly around the foot to twist out tension.
    
    
12. Wash hands before moving onto face. Before you add more oil, gently rub and stretch the neck from underneath, then use your fingertips to scrub the scalp as if you were a hairdresser washing someone's hair. This feels amazing when done correctly. The person receiving this vigorous scalp massage will plead for you to never stop. After releasing scalp tension, put a tiny amount of oil onto your hands and gently massage the face. Be extremely gentle around the eyes and use firm circular movements on the forehead to relieve headaches and tension. Be sure to massage all around the cheekbones and jaw. This releases tension from talking and eating. Gently pinch along the eye brows, squeezing the stress out of them. Make figure-8 movements on each temple with two fingertips.
    
    
13. The Arms: Gently tug on each arm before rubbing them down, stroke firmly up each arm with your hands cupped, and as always, go deep on the muscle but light on the bones. Then go to the hands. Stretching the fingers feels wonderful; gently tug on them and do circular pressures around each joint with your thumb. Use firm pressure at the base of the thumb. This can be compared to the arch in your foot. Pressure feels great there.
    
    
14. When you massage the abdomen, be gentle yet firm enough that it doesn't tickle them. Place hands side by side on the lower abdomen, and slowly glide gently up towards the ribs. Then take both hands and glide them out and over all the ribs and repeat. Use large circular movements to cover all areas. Pretend your friend is giant pizza dough and knead the abdomen from side to side, back and forth. This aids in digestion and relieves menstrual cramps as well. Be extra careful and extremely gentle if the recipient is pregnant. Don't be shocked if your recipient farts during the belly rub -- it means you are doing a good job. Massage isn't always glamorous.
    
    
15. Dr. Dot's techniques:
    (A) Spider Walk: I "walk" up the back with my fingers, rolling the skin as I go, in one fluent motion, which in my opinion, looks and feels like a big spider walking up the back.
    (B) Pizza Dough Method: I stand at the patient's side, with both hands wide open, I twist the core of the body in between both hands in a kneading motion, very firmly, like I would pizza dough.
    (C) Bite Method: My most controversial technique, as no one else does this, but it is the celebrity favorite. I naturally ask first if they want to try it, and before adding any oil, I bite the whole back up and down in a very fluent motion bit by bit, avoiding any bones. I take big bites, obviously not firm enough to break skin, but firm and deep enough to go down, grab and "tenderize" the back muscles, warming them up for the real rub down that follows.
    (D) Rolling Pin Method: Put both forearms on the person's back, with elbows just an inch away from the spine. Go north towards the head with one elbow; at the same time, go towards the buttocks with the other elbow and then drag them both back together in the middle. Once again, please avoid bone on bone.
    (E) The Rake: Make your hands into a "rake" form and keep them like this, very stiff. Rake the back from top to bottom. This takes a lot of strength when done correctly, but feels wonderful.

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