NY Rock: Dear Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am not getting laid often enough. My friends call me Blue Balls. I have the gift of gab, I make every one laugh, but for some reason, the ladies aren't falling for me. It's spring and I really need some action. I am not rich and I’m far from a Brad Pitt look-a-like, throw me a fucking bone will ya? - Nick

Dear Nick,
You say you have the gift of gab that is half the battle. Make us laugh, entertain us but be a good listener. Girls LOVE to talk and need someone who will listen to all of their stories. Basically, they want someone who will listen to them while rubbing their feet. A foot massage will get you there buddy. Honestly, if you give long, firm foot rubs, she will want to repay you somehow, usually with sex, trust me. Every girl loves a good foot rub; it is a tiny sign of worship and adoring her. But don’t be cheap and lazy, do it often, do it for at least 20 minutes, spoil her from the feet up, insist on massaging her feet and you will be irreplaceable. Hell, I would even go for a guy just for that!
- Dr. Dot

Hey DD,
Since my girl started taking the pill, she is bigger and moody and totally not into sex like she used to be. Sure, now and then we get to enjoy unprotected sex, but not nearly often enough. Is it true the pill kills a sex drive or is she just not into me anymore?
- JJ

Dear JJ,
As females, we are basically fucked no matter what form of birth control we choose. If we use condoms, we have to anticipate the limp dick syndrome and/or the chance of a rip or tear which could lead to a baby or a nasty disease. If we choose the diaphragm, we are not safe from disease and spontaneous sex becomes a thing of the past. (What with the wrestling match in the bathroom with the slippery UFO shaped rubber thing we have to shove up our love hole, it just spoils the mood.) The IUD (spiral thingy) is only good for monogamous females who have already had a baby, but you bleed non-stop for half the month usually. Ah, then the pill. We get clear skin and know exactly when the blood bath will occur, but the pill puts us in a constant state of the third month of pregnancy. Yes, you read right. The hormones in the pill, tricks our body into thinking it is already three months preggy. That’s why we can’t get pregnant on the pill, as we are already pregnant! How do preggy women behave? Clingy, jealous, moody, insecure, not really in the mood for more sex and usually they bloat up like a floating device. So, make up your fucking mind. If you want unprotected sex with your mate, then put up with the bloated version of your gal and expect on giving much more love and compliments to make her feel wanted and sexy/attractive. Unfortunately, you can’t have it all. Free Willy has its price.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Alice,
Conservative or not, a man is a man. You don't need words to try naughty things on him, like stripping for him. If you ask or tell him ahead of time, you may ruin the mood. Just wait until you know he is relaxed and not going anywhere, and just walk into the room, turn some sexy music on if you like, Billie Holiday for example, and start dancing slowly and remove pieces of clothing in a very sexy manner and toss them gently to him. Don't answer any of his questions, just smile and turn him on with your naughty moves. You can use a large mirror propped up behind you so he can get a view from all angles while you prop up one leg onto a chair and touch yourself. Men like to see entry and re-entry so don’t be shy. There is no such thing as a woman that is "too naughty" in the bedroom. Avoid any thoughts of doubt as it will ruin the mood. Just know you are his favorite eye candy. Men love to watch, no matter what their background is! You can ease him into porn, the next time, don't try to bring it all out at once. Have him "accidentally" catch you enjoying your fingers while you watch porn one day when he gets home from work, and again, no need for words, just let him join you. If he storms off in a prude manner, do not apologize or explain; it's sex and there is no need for explaining.

To answer your last question, am I a "real doctor," according to the dictionary, I am. Verb: To make suitable or improve by altering in a certain way. Noun: A person skilled in repairing or improving something broken or flawed. One skilled or specializing in healing arts. A person who restores or repairs things. ORIGIN: Latin, meaning "teacher."
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I'm a male in my mid 30s and just went through my second divorce. I'm attractive, play drums in a rock and roll band so I have no shortage of young ladies to keep me company. My problem is that sex with my second ex-wife was out of this world and since we split, sex with anyone else seems like a waste of time. It's not like I've lost my drive, I can still perform but I hardly ever finish. Now I'm dating a 21-year-old and I really like her but I'm really not into getting it on with her. I guess I'm just worried that my sex life is going to be fucked up forever.
- Worried Willy

Dear W-W,
I hear you loud and clear. I have a similar problem and I think most people have that one that did it just right, and if they slip away, you feel you are always pining after that amazing sex. It will take a while for you to find someone who ignites your flame again like your ex, DON'T SETTLE! I would keep "auditioning" until you find the right one. Sex is extremely important and can not be taken lightly. It's not everything, but it's huge.

You are in the best position to finding a new gal who rocks your boat. Imagine you worked at McDonald's. The selection would be smaller! I doubt your ex is open for "sex with the ex" as it's hard for a woman to just fuck her ex with no feelings attached.

We all have one big love (sometimes two or three) and I think she was one for you, hence the intense sex. Just count your blessings you are a hot rock star and have options. But like I said, DON'T settle, that will just lead to endless cheating (er, straying more than normal).
- xx Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am currently in a relationship with a great guy. He's wonderful in every way, except one...sex. Everything leading up to the actual act is fun, but once we start getting into it, I can never reach orgasm... but not to his knowledge. After we get so far into it, I think to myself, "Gosh, he's really trying, but he's just not going to make it!" So, I fake it, and he buys it every time.

It's not like I haven't tried being helpful in bed. I've told him where to touch and to apply a lot of pressure (because I need a lot of pressure to get there), but it also takes a long time to even get myself to orgasm, and for him to just sit there trying forever seems like too much to put him through, and frustrating for both of us. What should I do? Just tell him that I've been faking it this whole time and that we need some counseling or something? I'm afraid he'll be upset with me that I've been lying to him, and at the same time, feel inadequate that he can't get me to climax.
- Candy

Dear Candy,
First of all, do NOT fess up to lying! Lying about orgasms is so counterproductive yet it happens ALL of the time for exactly the same reason you fibbed. Pity. They don't want pity and don't deserve to feel they have gotten you there if they haven't so stop doing that ASAP. If he asks why the change, say, your mind is too busy, you can't shut off. If you fess up to lying, he will never believe you again.

Try something new. Tell him you want to try new ways to "get there." Lie on your back, have your head hanging slightly over the side of the bed, and watch a porn while he licks you. Tell him to take his tongue and pretend he is a cow, big old fat cow tongue licking your clit from South to North, very firm, over and over again, making sure it is always very wet. Find the right spot and tell him "stay there, keep doing that, don't stop!"

Men think if you haven't cum in a few minutes that they are doing it wrong and change positions, which means you have to start all over again on your road to Orgasm! It takes most women at least 20 minutes to cum. The giver has to be patient and persistent if they want the wild results of you yelling and quivering with passion.

You make him cum every time, so why shouldn't you cum every time?? Ladies first, by the way. Also try this, put a thick blanket on the floor. Get on top of him, have him deep in you and tell him to lie really flat (or prop a pillow under his head, according to how you need his pelvis) and have the lube very close by to keep things slippery.

Have him try to lick your nipples now or play with your boobs as you like, which tenses up his abs for more clit pleasure. A good way to make your clit stick out is to grab your calves while he is sliding you back and forth on top of him. He should slide your body back and forth like a cheese grater while you hold your ankles/calves which makes your clit protrude if you do it right as your back will be very arched as you are grabbing your ankles/calves.

This usually makes every girl cum. Also, have him talk dirty to you, you start, ask him "does my pussy feel good? Can you feel my pussy sucking your cock?" This will get him to talk dirty to you and could get you feeling so dirty that you will cum. You could also imagine a very dirty scene in your head, men do that all the time. This will help if things are moving slow.