NY Rock: Dear Dr. Dot

Dear Clueless,
First, your shopping list:
A cheesy, inexpensive tablecloth made of soft plastic, the 99-cent ones you can get at Walmart for picnic tables. Then you need a few bananas, sugar-free whipped cream, sugar-free chocolate syrup (both can be found in the diabetic section of your grocery store) and some cherries (either fresh ones or those freaky neon red ones), and some chocolate or rainbow sprinkles/shots/jimmy's/whatever-the-hell-you-call-them-in-your-area, for the finishing touch.

If you haven't guessed by now, YOU will be HIS banana split. For a dramatic effect, shave your pussy nice and smooth for him and walk into the room wearing just a long coat, belted tightly, so he can't see what's under (and sexy shoes/boots).

With a very confident and sexy look on your face, hand him the bag of goodies and tell him to look inside for his surprise. He will no doubt be like "eh?" That's when you take off your coat and say "make me into a banana split." He should slice the bananas in half, while you lay out the plastic sheet. Lie down naked and let him decorate you with the goodies. Don't worry about the mess, just let him go wild and decorate you and then lick it off of you. Don't spoil the mood by whining about your hair, etc. The reason the sweets must be sugar free is to avoid the worst yeast infection known to humankind. In fact, the most expensive part of this surprise would be the cream needed for your snatch if any sugar gets in there. This is a surprise that he shall never forget, and it makes a great conversation piece the next day/week at work.
- Dr. Dot

Barb,
"Forever?" It's 2006, wake the fuck up.

There are men who don't want to have kids. And there are MANY men who already have enough children from previous relationships that just want a lady with no baggage, so they can be her number one "baby." Sometimes having a kid together actually drives couples apart, as it is the most strenuous task two people can go through together. So, actually, this is one less problem you have to worry about, not one more. Try to see the positive side of your situation. If you radiate "woe is me," people will smell it and it's a HUGE turn off to men. As seedy as it may sound, check dating web sites for "single fathers" or "divorced fathers" ads. You may be surprised how many eager men are out there who want a woman for fun, not for reproduction.
- Dr. Dot

Yo Dot,
First off, you one fly sista. You dope on a rope, I swear. But I got me a situation on my hands and I could use some advice. I'm a standup comic at a club, and the host and I have hung out a few times. I think I could definitely shag her, but I'm worried about -- ya know-- shitting where I eat, etc. She claims she is going to make a job change soon, but I don't know if that's true or even when that will be and I don't know if I can wait that long. Shit, I mean she is SMOKING HOT! What's a boy to do?
- Da Fruit Fly

Dear Fly,
If you are both single, and she wants you, give it to her good. As we all know, you never know when your time is up, so do like Janis and "get it while you can."
- Dot

Dear Wise,
No one is perfect. If you get along in every other aspect but he strays, you may want to try a different approach. Notice when you chase a dog, he only runs further away? But if you stand still and get busy, act like you are having fun and ignore the dog, it will usually come back to you and see what the hell is so entertaining. This also works with men. Rather than whining and complaining about what he is doing when he isn't with you, get busy and have fun. If he tries his petty fibs on you, casually say "don't insult my intelligence with your lies, just spare me, ok?" Make him know his games bore you. The more freaked out you get, the more exciting the other women become to him. If you are apathetic, they won't seem nearly as fun. This approach is tough, but in these modern times, it's practical and realistic. All that should really matter is how your partner is treating you. You can't control what they do when they aren't with you and it will only make you crazy wondering.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Mighty Meat,
Take note that men aren't bothered by most imperfections; they are just happy to get laid. I have asked men if they prefer tiny lips or big ones and they usually say (in the same tone a parent talks about their offspring), "I love them all just the same!" But if this is affecting your self esteem to the point where you feel unattractive, you could have them altered surgically. Bad side of that is you have to wait six weeks to try out your new and improved lips. If you live in NYC, try this place: www.libertywomenshealth.com. Have a nice trim!
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I'm a man in my mid-forties and I've been in a steady stream of relationships since I was 18. I've never really been able to enjoy the single life. I always seem to rebound right into another one. Mostly out of convenience, I think.

I've recently become single and I'm really enjoying the freedom. My past relationships seem to have been like one long date (averaging about two years). I owe this to my complacency and not being as good at the game as the women I've loved/or not loved. And for this reason I feel like I've always been with the wrong woman when the right one came along.

But my question is this: How do I stay single and happy? It seems most women fall in love with me the moment I have sex with them. Forgive the arrogance of that statement, but it's an experience I've had many, many times. Even when I explain that my goal is to stay single, they seem to just take that as a challenge.

I don't want to be celibate and I don't want to be tied down. I want to be single until someone I really like comes along and love grows out of a "mutual desire" to be together forever.

Which brings up another question: In this day and age, is it improper to date more than one person at a time?

And that brings up this question: How truthful should you be to these women about the other women?

It seems things stay uncomplicated if I don't sleep with anyone but... c'mon. Any light you can shed on this is very much appreciated.
- Free-Bird Frank

Dear Frank,
My grandmother told me to "play the field" until you find the right one. You said you are up front to the ladies that you just want fun and to remain single, so of course you should do what and who you want. If they don't like it, show them the door. Ask them if they would prefer a lying coward who claims he is loyal or a brutally honest (and brave) man who puts all his cards on the table. I prefer the honest approach, personally. Going without sex just to hold onto your freedom is like bombing for peace. It's just stupid. Sex is one of the best things on earth (besides music) so never deprive yourself of that. The fact that they all "fall in love" with you after you fuck them is a compliment, but I hate to break the news to you, it's normal. Happens all the time if the sex is even remotely good. Most women feel that if you are IN them, you love them. They usually equate the love feeling with how good the sex is. (Also, it is rather hard to find a man who lets the ladies cum first AND can lick them until they cum, so once they get a hold of one of those men, they hang on tight!) You can either start pretending to be a shitty lay, or stand by your rules, which are as clear as day in my eyes. Stop being so wishy washy and stand up for your freedom, don't let the pussy whip you.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My boyfriend (of 4 years) is really pissing me off. He is addicted to watching the World Cup soccer crap on TV and it's ruling our lives. We live together so I have to see and hear all the damn games. On weekends it's worse, he goes to sports bars and watches them with his buddies. This soccer thing will go on until the end of summer. I don't know how to deal with this situation that long. I have tried crying, yelling, screaming, nothing works! Worst of all, he doesn't screw me as often as he used to. I feel left out and need ideas on how to get me back onto his menu. I don't want to leave him for another, but this World Cup BULLSHIT is pushing me to my limits!
- Frustrated Frida

Dear Frida,
Men love to watch other men chase balls around, you cannot change this phenomenon. You should get busier with your own life so his hobby doesn't annoy you so much. Even if you left him for another man, the new man would probably also have a hobby that diverts his attention from time to time. Bitching and moaning and pouting will only make the game look much more exciting to him. When he is watching the games at home, make sure you know when the big breaks are and just come into the room wearing only a smile and blow him. This will remind him in a nice way how much fun you are. Actions not words, my dear.
- Dr. Dot

Anonymous,
This has got to be one of the dumbest ones so far. I want my readers to know how ridiculous most of the questions are that are sent my way each day. Part of me thinks a horny 13-year-old boy wrote that question, but if not, and it is truly from a female, all I can say is (1) It won't get sharpened and (2) Never stick a pen or pencil in any of your holes. They can harm you by their sharp edges and germs, AND they may get stuck somewhere and you will have to go the emergency room and explain how dumb/desperate you are. If you can't find a man to plug you and can't afford a decent dildo, you can always use an unpeeled (and washed) smooth-skinned cucumber. I suppose this answer puts me on the Highway to Hell, but then again, you should love your veggies.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Carl,
Anything less than six months will not be taken seriously. After a couple months you could start throwing the word "love" around, as in "I love to be with you" or "I love how you suck my dick," but to say "I love you" too quickly takes the weight out of it. If the girl says it first, *yawn*, the relationship is doomed, in my opinion. The longer you wait, the more it will mean to her. The best way to say it is before or after a really amazing, long, wet kiss, and definitely with a smile on your face, not a serious/nervous look. The same look you would have on your face if you said to someone, "I just LOVE AC/DC."
- Doc

Hi Dr. Dot,
I fucking LOVE your column. My friends and I are "Ask Dr. Dot junkies," lol. I have a serious question here. I've been seeing this hot bartender in my local pub. One night I popped into his pub (he always works Friday nights) and the staff told me he left early and went to a party with "some blonde." Next day he said he went alone. I told him I knew better. He said he just got a lift to the party with her. I just don't know how to tell if and why he would lie to me. I am all confused. I have guy friends and don't mind him having female friends, it's just the foggy truth part is killing me. What's a good way to tell if he is cheating on me?
- Blinded Barb

Barb,
Dating a bartender is like dating a member of a heavy-metal band. Fun, but dangerous, and prepare to be juggled along with a huge harem of horny holes. These guys have their pick of the crop on a nightly basis. Either live with it, and take him for what he is, or just be his friend and look for another boyfriend. When you've fallen for a person, your "anti-bullshit radar" breaks down, so even if you KNOW they are lying, you try to ignore it. By the way, popping into someone's work place is never a good idea. Surprise visits usually lead to trouble. That shit is a big no-no in my book.
- Dr. Dot