NY Rock: Dear Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
What's up with band rules? Only one member can date a girl, as in, even if she is an ex of someone in the band, no one else in the band can date her? I was with my ex for three-and-a-half years, until I got pregnant. He didn't take responsibility, but I wanted the baby. I moved out and kept it. Went through everything alone -- pregnancy, labor, and am now a single mother while he's out every night being a "rock star." I've gotten used to it. None of his friends know the situation at all.

He's been playing with this one band for almost a year. I always liked the guitar player, but obviously I'm not going to do anything about it. The other night I saw him, said hello, maybe flirted a little and we ended up hooking up... no sex, just lots of making out (in public, nonetheless) and touching and all that stuff. He was really into me. He asked me how I knew T (my ex -- their drummer). I said we were just friends. He asked for my number and called me the next day. We talked for an hour. We got it off like CRAZY! Made plans to hang out, etc. and, of course, I was freaking out, because I was talking to someone that is exactly what I need, but it's based on a lie. So I was going to tell him.

That night my voice shut down. Later that night, my ex called and said, "What's wrong with your voice? Maybe it's because you were making out with R last night?" So now I'm an evil liar, according to some people. R sent me a text saying I'm evil and have a kid with his drummer, and now I wanna go out, to lose his number and to have a nice life. The kid is mine and mine alone. The only thing that was contributed by T were the 23 pairs of chromosomes. To top this off, my ex wants to get back together with me now. So this is really bothering me. I'm not sure if this is the kind of thing I should be asking you or what my question is really, but do you think this is a lie, a loyalty thing, or everything all together? Plus, why do men change their minds so damn quickly?
- Sick of It All

Dear Sick,
I would text R and say, "I said he and I are FRIENDS, and that is ALL we are. I didn't lie, just didn't want to spoil our whirlwind with too many facts about the past." You didn't LIE! Men can be wimpy at times. Send him the text and see what happens. If you want you're ex back, make him work for it. Making out with his band mate stirred up his competitive side. Don't be so hard on yourself! You are hot, that is obvious. You could have either one if you play your cards right. Don't text him any more than once, too many words make men run. They like things SIMPLE. Also, men are fickle; they change their minds more often than they change their underwear. Get used to that.

P.S. Do NOT apologize to any of them, or ANYONE!

- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am facing a dilemma I have no clue how to handle, and it's getting quite frustrating. This is what's going on:

I am completely in love with my girlfriend. Though we have only been together for a year, we spend every day together, and I would love to do so for the rest of my life. I am in no way unsure of my emotional feelings toward her, but I have another problem. I don't know why, but I have always been very interested in sodomy. I don't know why; it's not a conscious decision. She has given me head a few times, though she has only done it until I came on two separate occasions. One time she swallowed, and the other time she didn't.

I know how other people's sex lives are often void of oral, so I don't see myself as incredibly unfortunate, but there's one thing that tips the scales, and that is that I frequently go down on her. It'll usually happen about 3-4 times a week, if not more, and it's not very rare for twice in a day. Don't get me wrong, I love doing it, and I am very good at it, as she comes every time. But I feel like our sex life is very one-sided. I've tried talking to her about it, but all I get are answers like, "I just don't feel like it" or "Do we have to do it all the time for our sex life to be good?" (I don't understand how that last one even applies though, because she's getting some practically every night.) I don't know how to stress this point well enough to her, without seeming like a sex-hungry jerk. I also suffer from the fact that I was in a different relationship about two years ago, and that girl gave me head all the time (almost nightly) and we did anal once. (That's when I got my thing for it.) I guess my question is what makes you enjoy giving head? I love giving her head, and I've asked her once, maybe twice, if she liked doing so to me, and all I get is an "I don't mind." I feel very unsatisfied, and seeing as I please her with my tongue on an almost nightly basis, I feel she should do the same. I do not want a "doing it because I have to" blowing though. That sounds horrible.
- Hungry for Head

Dear Hungry,
First of all, stop eating her out. When she asks why you stopped, tell her "I don't feel like it" or "do I have to in order for our sex life to be good?" She should get the fucking message loud and clear. She is selfish and spoiled by your eager mouth. I really think you want anal sex because it reminds you so much of your ex who satisfied your oral cravings, like a good girlfriend should. Look what happened to Bill Clinton when he wasn't getting head from Hillary. Stop giving and you will start receiving. It is clear you are more into her then she is into you. She is obviously into sex, as she lets you lick her clean every night, so it just boils down to her being selfish and just not into your cock like she should be.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have a question on etiquette for casual sex pals. By "pals," I mean that the only kind of interaction I have with this person is purely sexual (aside from the pleasantries of "how are you" on the way in and "have a good day" on the way out). Even though I'm sure to be equipped with the appropriate prophylactic, my pal brings over condoms. He throws the four or five condoms on the floor near where we're getting it on. If we happen to just use one condom, he's always sure to grab the three or four unused condoms on the way out. Now, something about that act seems almost rude. It's like when you bring over a cake or a bottle of wine to someone's house for dinner; you don't take the leftovers home with you. Do you think it's rude to take home the unused party favors, even if they're condoms?
- Condom Snob

Dear CS,
It is tacky to take the unused condoms with you. It's like saying, "I will definitely need these between now and the next time I will be in you, and I am definitely too cheap to buy new ones for my new conquests." The only thing worse would be for him to come empty handed and expect you to supply the condoms, then take a few with him. Aaah, the perks of casual sex.
- Dr. Dot

Hi Dr. Dot,
Your column rocks! I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year. I'm 45, she's 33, both in great health. I came close to breaking up with her a few times within the first four months, as she did not want to become intimate. She convinced me to stay, and we've been having sex for several months now, and we're monogamous. However, she's the least sexual person I've ever been with. She does not like me to touch or kiss her vagina. (Even the lightest touch is met with, "It hurts, please don't touch down there.") She has a very methodical system of having sex; first she masturbates to orgasm, and then allows me entry. This is the only way she'll allow it. No oral either way, and not even any kissing. This is barely acceptable to me, but the frequency which she allows (I want it every day, she allows it once a week) is not acceptable at all. Also, she never uses her tongue to kiss, keeps her mouth closed, and our kissing never lasts more than a few seconds. When I bring any of this up, she says I am calling her an "ice princess," calling her frigid, which she gets very defensive about. She claims there has never been any molestation in her past, and that she's normal and I'm oversexed. I've had long-term, very sexual relationships in the past without complaint, but I don't know how to handle this, other than breaking it off. She's a wonderful girl and very much marriage material, other than this issue. Do you have any advice?
- At Arms Length Larry

Dear Larry,
You want it "every day"? Good luck finding someone who wants it every day for ever and ever. Anything less than once a week is bullshit but every day could turn into a chore. A dull routine. In my opinion, you will have to leave her OR marry her and cheat to get your fill. Imagine a whole life of no head, no French kissing, etc. Yawn.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Fly Girl,
Lead your prey into the ladies room and bring him into a stall. Lock the door and in the doggy-style position, have one hand on the flusher and one on back of toilet. Every time someone knocks or gets nosey, make really loud vomiting sounds, like you are puking your guts out and flush periodically. This yakking sound usually sends people running. If he can keep shagging you through all that, he is a keeper. Construction sites, stairways of hotels and malls are usually empty, just aim for the top floor so there is no traffic. I still haven't joined the Mile High Club yet, but I can imagine that would be the hottest, riskiest place ever.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Danny,
Eye contact has got to be the best way to tell if a guy likes to pack chocolate or not. When you gaze into their eyes and they get pissed off, bingo, not gay. Posting ads online will save you time, as will telling waiters who you KNOW are gay that you are going home to have a pull. That should get you laid in no time. Embrace your sexuality. If you are gay, let it be known and word will get out and hopefully the guys who are curious or also queer will gravitate towards you. Straight guys know that buying lots of drinks for their dates increases their chances of getting in there, so why not try it on yours?
- Dr. Dot

Dear Seeking,
The Germans say you can tell by how big/small the man's nose is. If you have a chance, make out with them, clothes on, just bumping, grinding, feeling around. If he doesn't measure up to your cock standard, stop kissing and tell him, "I am sorry, we are moving too fast," then politely end the date/face sucking session and move on. My girlfriends and I have concluded that most men with giant dicks are usually GIANT DICKS. Sadly.
- Dr. Dot

Dear W & W,
If you are taking birth-control pills, overweight or depressed, that could be the reason for your lack of sex drive. If none of those apply, it could be that you are just not a sexual person. In this case, my heart goes out to you. Just like a smoker can't quit unless he wants to, a non-sexual person can't cum unless they want to. Only you can answer that question.

You are right not to tell him your dilemma, as no man wants to hear that their girlfriend doesn't like to fuck. If you are screwing, however, and there is a spot that you want to him rub/lick/reach, then make sure you tell him. Communication is the key to good sex. Maybe you don't like to masturbate because you haven't done it correctly.

Make a hot date with yourself, sip some wine, have a hot bath then spread a blanket out on the floor and put two or three pillows vertically on top of each other, forming what will be your "man." The floor is best for getting up into the hard to reach spot, also known as your clit. Cover pillows with a towel, as they will get wet. Pop a naughty movie into your player and make sure some lube and remote control are within reach.

Lube up your favorite hand and lie on top of your hand and the pillows. No need to go inside, as the clit is what needs to be stimulated; this can be done easily by having your four fingers together (loads of lube) and rocking back and forth on top of your fingers (riding on hand which is between you and pillows). The pillows need to be vertical, as your legs should drape down on each side of pillows making more pressure on your hand/clit. Let go of all pointless thoughts, just get selfish and make sure you cum. Once you learn to do that, you will know what pressure and frame of mind it takes to trip your trigger. Some girls can make themselves cum on a guy much easier than having the guy make her cum. If you are a slight control freak, you may have to make yourself cum on the guy (you on top, for example). As disturbing as it sounds, the clit is just like a tiny penis, in fact, some say it is. Treat it accordingly. Inner stimulation is fun, but the clit needs action to climax. Also, you could have an affair with your showerhead if it has enough pressure. Once you find out how fun it is to make yourself cum, show him what worked and try to incorporate him into your repertoire.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Backdoor,
The best way to stop jealousy is right away. Show your new partner their boundaries as soon as they start to overstep them. Tell a woman, "I find jealousy very unattractive; a complete TURN OFF!" This should end it. If not, she is stubborn or dumb. Both traits are worse than jealousy. Remind her gently that she is sleeping with another man every night. Then kiss her to shut her up.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
Is it bad to not really wanna date guys with no money anymore? Been there done that, the whole broke guy thing, and I just feel like I am going backwards when I start dating guys with little funds. I am not superficial like it sounds, and I know guys with bucks can be dicks, too. Anyway, I have a lot of guys asking me out these days, but none that really really have their shit together, and I feel that going out with them is a waste of time since I know that I really don't want them. Honestly, I would rather be alone than do a sympathy date or fuck. And I don't think I am shutting myself out to some great guys because I dated so many from all over the world that I feel my weeding-out factor is strong now. I just wonder if my standards are ridiculous -- high, that is.
- Classy Kate

Dear Classy,
Men leave their old wives for young, fertile women all the time. Men stare at young, perky tits on a daily basis, not only because they look gorgeous, but because it's nature's way of drawing them to a fertile partner. The same goes for women being drawn to strong, secure men. Centuries ago, it used to be just a muscular thing. Now, a bank account has replaced the muscle attraction for most women. We're like all animals, the female chooses the most eligible partner to breed with. It doesn't mean modern women are gold diggers. It means they are looking for a secure man to have kids with, and/or to settle down with. Making sure he can take care of you and your possible offspring is normal. Some men actually respect and yearn for a woman who expects a lot from them. It somehow motivates them. It challenges them and most men LOVE a challenge (i.e., sports, wars, competitions, gambling). Nothing wrong in falling for a man who can also support you. "Would you walk away from a fool and his money?"
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
Please forgive my English, I am French. Since four months, I live with my girlfriend and her four-year-old daughter. My girlfriend is always stressed... I made everything possible to help her. I take good care of the child. She moved in with me as she lived in a far-away town.

Since she moved in she seems always under stress, and the result is that she is angry for nothing and talk to me like crap (so we argue a lot about that because I hate it) and she is always so tired and we have sex only two/four times a month. (At the beginning it was a least everyday/twice a day!) The good point is when we do, sex is always very wild and good.

I love sex, maybe too much, and I feel I don't have enough. The more I ask my girlfriend it feels like the less I have... She tells me it's not about me, that it's only because her work is bothering her too much, that she is not used to the stress of living in a big city and the fact that my flat is too small (one room for the two of us and her daughter). Her reasons are right. I can understand all that, but the point is I really feel like starving for sex... I know it doesn't sound nice but that's the way it is....
- Crazy Horse

Dear CH,
Now you know why I frown upon living with a lover. If you LOVE sex, don't live together. I know, I know, it's too late and most folks aim for it their entire lives, but that is my personal opinion. If you have to live with someone, having your OWN room could keep things hot. So you may want to save up and get a bigger place. It will be worth every penny if you are getting your leg over more often.

Now, moving onto your cold shrew. She may be drinking too much coffee, this makes everyone STRESS out! Try to buy some decaffeinated coffee and sneak it into her real coffee without her knowing. Also, massage her feet every night, each foot 10 minutes or more, then her legs and back. This should make her want sex, maybe even ask you for it. Candlelit massage and a glass of red wine and some cow-tongue oral sex should bring on the taming of the shrew.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am dating a college guy, who seems like a potential long-term partner. All of his friends are married (which is a good sign) and when he invites me out on dates, it's usually with a few other couples. Last time the husbands were VERY friendly to me and I got bitchy vibes from the wives. I can't help it if I am like one of the guys. I am fun. It's been a week since I heard from him and I sense it could be due to the ice storm from the wives. They may have scathed their husbands and him for having such a social girlfriend. I also told him in a drunken moment that "I am only interested in having fun, nothing serious." How can I make things better? I don't want to lose him.
- Skated on Thin Ice

Dear Ice,
It's great that he hangs with relationship-minded couples and a good sign that he brings you into his social circle. One-on-one dating is already nerve wracking, but when you toss in a few bitchy females and flirty males it becomes a complicated high-school style bitchfest. Let him contact you first, as nothing keeps a man away from a woman he adores, not even a challenging comment like "I don't want anything serious." When he does contact you (if he doesn't, think of it as his loss) tell him you love being with him but are too shy for group dates. If he insists on it, agree but tell him you would prefer just drinks or just dinner and to look for your "let's leave" glance because you can't WAIT to get him alone to suck his cock. Just be yourself and if the ladies don't like you, they will hopefully ban their husbands from dates that include you, saving you from being the complicated nag.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Tess,
He is marking his territory, and if he is the only one you are dating/shagging, find a corner or drawer for his left behind "markings." If the only bad thing he does is leave a mess in your kitchen, consider yourself lucky. It's not even worth mentioning. Let it slide and save the bitching for important things like cheating, blatantly drooling over other women in your presence or making you buy your own dinner/drinks.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Beauty,
Looks are just an initial attraction to lure us to breed. They are great, but everyone gets old, grey and ugly as sin eventually. Why not just fuck him doggy style? You don't look at the mantelpiece when you poke the fire.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I met this guy and was immediately besotted with him. He is exactly my taste, in every way. I am rather jaded and never thought I would fall for a guy like this again. I know he likes me but on our second date (we have only been dating for a couple weeks) he told me he has a nine-year-old daughter with his ex. He said he is best friends with his ex and "my daughter is the only fucking thing that matters to me." If this is true, how can I squeeze into his heart? How will he ever care about me? I feel like there is no hope. Should I ask him if he could ever care for me? How much time should I invest if what he said is true?
- Sweatin' Silvia

Dear Silvia,
When a guy fathers a daughter, he is truly whipped. No female can EVER affect a man like his daughter. They suddenly turn into mush, as if hypnotized, and no one can come between them, well, at least until the daughter moves out. But you can play it cool by not mentioning her. Let him do that. He doesn't sound ready to start a new family or include you in his, so all you can do is either move on and find someone who hasn't reproduced yet or keep his other life very separate from what you two have. Unless he suggests otherwise. He may even welcome a break from the old routine and think of you as "freedom and simplicity." That is a good thing. Never ask a man if he cares. It should be obvious. If it's not, you are with the wrong man.
- Dr. Dot

Dear CS,
A smart woman will realize you are driven, ambitious and know that you are going to be a bread winner someday and you would make a very secure husband and/or father for her kids. If they scoff at the fact that you don't have any funds yet, they did you a favor by helping you weed out the impatient gold diggers. So, intelligent, patient women will see you as "great" even before the Moet starts flowing. I think it's a bad idea either way to advertise how much money you make, be it with clothing, jewelry or penis-extension type cars as this sets you up for trouble. If you want high-maintenance women, then dress and act high maintenance and vice versa.
- Dr. Dot

Dear John,
Long-distance relationships can work if you know that you may soon live together. If not, the problem of distance takes over, as in: you get blinded by thinking, "Well, if we only lived closer, it would work," which is bullshit. That one hurdle overshadows the other topics, like is your partner a bitch in the morning? Are they up all night making noise? Are they selfish and hard to live with? Things that normal couples have to face only surface after you have been together (or lived together) for a while. So, long distance is kind of a fantasy land. You should take a week or two, vacation with each other too see what she is REALLY like before you think of relocating. Really test drive her. Know what I mean?
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am an English girl, age 24 and I moved to NYC a few months ago with my English (age 29) boyfriend. He got a job here, so we decided to go for it together. We have been together for five years already and got along GREAT back in the UK. Since we have been here, he has been acting distant, uninterested and he has even told me that we should maybe take a break and start seeing other people. He is a bartender at an English pub, and there are always girls swooning over him each night. It gets my knickers in a twist. I get so upset when I show up to say hi and see what appear to be his groupies lined up at the bar. The more I flap about it, the more distant he gets. He is always saying how the American accent makes him weak in the knees, etc. I want to keep him, but can't take this much longer. Help please!
- Lost in NY

Dear Lost,
It is always trouble when you move your love to a different country. Even if your man has already sewn his wild oats in his native land, suddenly there is new pussy to conquer in this shiny, new land. They have to start all over and sew their fucking oats again. His accent will be a constant babe magnet. There is nothing you can do to stop that now. All you can do is (1) realize that you too, are exotic and your English accent will work just the same on American men as it does for your guy and his Yank Skanks or (2) move back home and find someone who doesn't have the Johnny Appleseed bug up his ass. You can't force him to yearn for you. Maybe moving out and/or playing hard to get will wake him up, but I doubt it. London calling?
- Dr. Dot