NY Rock: Dear Dr. Dot

Hey there Doc,
I'm a 26-year-old ladies-club entertainer. The day I was given a job at this club where I perform, the owner told me that it was coz of, what she called, "a wonderful body and a huge cock." The owner is 35, single and usually tells me to have sex with her to please her. I have to do it to keep my job. But lately she is telling me to bare her a child or leave the job. I won't have trouble getting another job (I have had offers from clubs in other cities), but I wanna stay here as my mistress lives in this town. I also have a great fan following with all of my shows having full houses.

So the problem is that I can't leave the club due to my fans and mistress and if I stay I have to get this lady pregnant. Even though I know that she will not get a stripper as well hung as me (I am 13 inches when hard) in this town, but still I don't want to take a chance. A few weeks back she even auditioned a new stripper but coz of the pressure from the crowd (they were all inches behind me) she didn't hire him. I love this city and the fact that women like me so much here. I don't have a problem fucking her as it's part of my profession; in fact I've even had sex with the women my boss pays me to service. But making her pregnant with my child is something I don't wanna do. What should I do?
- Randy Randy

Randy,
Oh God, you do have huge problems. Sounds like everyone is fighting over your big ol' cock. Poor baby, it must be HELL. I really hope you are saving up for a pension/retirement fund as such a job is definitely not a long-term career. I find this situation hard to swallow. It sounds like a fantasy you made up. (First sign of a bluff: any guy with a 13-inch cock, who wants to make a living with his body, wouldn't waste his time with stripping, he would go straight to porn where the big bucks are.) But I will give you the benefit of the doubt and answer you.

If you are sure that you have so much power with your mega meat, then get a job at a new club as soon as possible! Staying with your power-hungry horny boss will just lead to a giant mess no matter what. The whole situation sounds like a nice round for the Jerry Springer show. Dying to know which city this mess is taking place in. I will cross my fingers that all works out fine for you and your cock.
- Dr. Dot

Dr. Dot,
I have been married four years; my husband and I have a child together that is almost a year old. Recently he has been working out of town for about a month. He calls me pretty late one night sounding upset saying we need to talk. Then he tells me that he's been receiving and sending text messages to a very good friend of mine. It then comes to my attention that these are sexual messages that sound a lot like the things he says to me. He said he is sorry and begged me for forgiveness but I still am not sure if I know the whole truth (how long it was going on/how many text messages and pics were sent back and forth).

How can I start to forgive my husband and can I really forget what they have done to me? Should I try to work things out with him or leave him regardless that we have a baby? Can sex ever be the same knowing that he said those special things that he said to me to her whether he meant them or not? HELP DOT!

Dear Anonymous,
First of all, I am wondering how the fuck did he get her number? Don't you know that you should NEVER leave your man alone with your gal pals and vice versa? You can give him another chance since he was honest and up front about it. Better that he told you than you finding out another way. Tell your "girlfriend" she is a back-stabbing whore and she will burn in Hell. Accept no excuses from her; you don't need "friends" like that around you. Tell him if it happens again, you and the kid walk, no questions asked.

Thank him for being honest and tell him to make new lines for you as you are not having his old lines he used on that bitch. Tell him to get a fucking imagination and use it with you and that he needs to focus on his priorities or he will lose them for good. When and if you resume having sex with him again, perhaps it would be better if there were no words during sex. Tell him, "Please, I don't want to hear any lines, as they may not be original, just shut up and fuck me!" Sounds rude, but it will work. Everyone deserves one chance to fuck up, he just used his up. But you have to promise yourself to keep your word. Child or not, you have to keep your self respect. Hopefully he is treating you well, that is the important thing! You could demand a vacation for his idiotic behavior; this will make you both feel better. You won't feel like an ass for forgiving him. He will feel he is earning his way out of the doghouse, and you can hopefully start over fresh and clean.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My girlfriend's vagina gets so big during sex, like a paint can! I guess paint can is kinda rude, but that's what we call it, in blunt terms. Her opening gets WIDE -- like an opening to a paint can. (I'm not small, but not as big around as a paint can.) It gets so slippery that is feels like my cock is just a hot dog tossed down a hallway. It only gets like that when she's really into it and a "gusher" occurs. So I guess she's ejaculating? But my girlfriend, who is SUPER clean, wants to know what is a gusher. (It's definitely not her pee!) And she said it's never happened before me.
- Wondering Willy

Dear Willy,
The gushing of juices is her cumming (ejaculating). The clit is just a tiny penis. Sorry, but it's true. We all start out the same, and the clit grows into a penis for the man and stays small for the female (and some very unfortunate men). Grab a towel when she cums and wipe her dry, then continue as usual. Go deep in her, then tell her to cross her legs (while you are still in there deep) and it will feel really tight! She should clench her legs together really tight while you fuck her, you can do this in the missionary position or while she lays on her stomach. It feels amazing and makes you feel like you are shagging a virgin. (This won't work so well if you have a very short dick.) Keeping it dry and having her squeeze you will fix your problem (some guys pray for their girl to be wet, it means you are doing it oooh so right). She could Kegel (a pussy exercise that tightens the muscles). Tell her to stop her flow repeatedly when she urinates. That is the Kegel exercise. This will help get her "paint can" tighter.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I started seeing a new man in July and one of the first things I asked him was, "Do you smoke?" and he said, "Not really." So I just disregarded the subject and fell head over heels for this wonderful hunk. We get along great and have mind blowing sex, but now I find out he has been smoking all the while behind my back and it causes us to argue all the time. I told him I don't date smokers and he claims he only smokes once in a while and has been trying to quit for me but just can't do it right now. I hate how it smells and have seen too many relatives die of lung cancer to just let it go. We are now in love so it's hard to just walk away. This is driving me crazy. I am the world's most adamant non-smoker, so caring for a smoker feels horrible. HELP!

Dear Anon,
I totally understand you as I personally despise cigarettes and hate it how smokers assume everyone should just deal with their dirty addiction. It's a slow, expensive form of suicide and sadly, a very popular one.

My uncle smoked for 18 years and I nagged him all the while and then he finally got hypnotized (it cost $200) and he has never touched a cigarette since. That was seven years ago.

Your man has to really want to quit or it won't work. Tell him his spunk tastes like nicotine and tar. Mention that kissing him is like licking an ashtray and it turns you off. Maybe that will encourage him to lay off the cancer sticks. The real question you need to ask yourself is will you still be there for him when he is on one of those oxygen machines.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Collins,
I am surprised you haven't killed each other yet. There is no faster way to destroy love then to be together constantly (don't know how it worked for John and Yoko). If at all possible, change the work situation and if that doesn't work, invest in a bigger place to live and have separate bedrooms. Don't sleep next to each other every night and make sure you both go out with your own friends as much as you can. Not to start living separate lives but to at least have different experiences you can tell each other about over dinner. This sounds like HELL to me quite honestly... a nightmare! Make space before it's too late. Someone needs to quit the job and fast.
- Dr. Dot

Dr. Dot,
I am 53 and my ex girlfriend is 38. We were together for five years when she left me (she didn't really say why, but I think it's because I am starting to show my age). She supposedly has a new boyfriend but still invites me over a couple nights a week to watch films with her over a glass of wine. We always get cozy on the couch and end up snuggling which makes me rock hard and dying to poke her. She doesn't say a word about it or make any inviting moves. I am afraid if I do she will end our "friendship." I am totally smitten with her and want her back. Should I make a move or just be happy with the snuggling?
- Polly

Polly,
You are 53 and are afraid to make a move? Over the age of 50 you should think, "fuck it, I have nothing to lose, we only live once" and be very ballsy about such things. I'm wondering about her character for two reasons. First, she has a boyfriend but invites you to snuggle over a glass of wine on a regular basis... maybe she would do this if she was yours again with another guy as well. Second, she dumped you because you are starting to show your age? What a superficial bitch. Just come right out and say, "Listen, I feel you are teasing me and my cock and I can't take it any longer. Either shag me or stop inviting me over." You have to be a man about it and find out what her game is. If she declines, then move on. You are too old to be teased. If she agrees, you are on your way back into her... ahem, heart.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Pam,
Start power walking and/or jogging every day for at least 40 minutes. I don't know how heavy you are, so I can only suggest jogging. If you are huge, then stick to the power walking. Eat every two hours, but something small, like some cheese and an apple, then in two hours, tofu and a veggie, then nuts and a half of banana, then fish (ew, I hate fish) and some salad. You get the idea. Small meals but very often. Bring healthy food with you everywhere. People will think you're nuts, but it really works. This will jumpstart your metabolism. Just make sure you don't eat for at least two hours before bed. Why put gas in a car that will be parked all night?

As far as your skin is concerned, change your pillowcase every other night; this really helps! Take two aspirins and crush them with the bottom of a glass. Then add a bit of water and make a paste and rub it all over your face, especially where the zits are. Leave on for 15 minutes then wash off with cold water (for a more dramatic effect, throw in an alka-seltzer tablet with the aspirin). This will rid the zits and make you look like you just had a wonderful shag. Drink loads of water and avoid sugar, smoking, caffeine and alcohol. This should help, but you have to stick with it.
- Dr. Dot

Dot,
I got my girlfriend pregnant, but not on purpose. She told me she was on the pill and I thought it was safe to shoot my love into her. We have only been going out for two months and we are both young (I am 20 and she is 23). I like her but don't love her enough to spend the rest of my life with her or to support a child with her. She just sent me an email telling me this and I am too shocked to respond. How can I get her to get rid of the baby? Answer as soon as possible.
- Petrified Pat

Pat,
For you and all the other guys reading this, always use a condom if you don't want a baby or a disease! My brother used to say, "I don't bathe with my socks on, so I'm not gonna fuck with a condom on." Now he has kids all over the place. But back to your present dilemma. Ask to meet her in a public place so there is less screaming/drama. Sit down with her and look her in the eyes and say, "So, what do you plan to do?" This is a neutral question that will force her to speak her mind and it doesn't make you against or for keeping the baby. Hence, when her decision comes out, you will be on her good side no matter what. You can't change a woman's mind about such a thing and if you say you are against her having it, and she does have it, she will hold it against you forever and will probably tell the kid too once it gets older. If she has it, it doesn't mean you have to be with her for life, it just means you are a father and should support the child any way you can, which can be the most rewarding, beautiful thing one can do in this life. Procreation: isn't that what we are all here for anyway?
- Dr. Dot

Dear BB,
I would pawn it off and buy the complete Frank Zappa collection on CD and vinyl. No, seriously, if you aren't gonna sleep with the guy, give it back and say, "It's gorgeous, but I could only accept that if we were a couple, and I'm just doing my own thing right now." No jewelry is worth the drama of obligation. Save up and get your own bling. The self respect that comes with it makes you radiate self confidence, which is the world's hottest aphrodisiac.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have been with a great guy for about 16 months. We have a great sex life and have been engaged since June. At first, I think I had an emotional block preventing me from having an orgasm, but now I have a hard time, I think, 'cause there's no foreplay and he cums too quickly. It leaves me feeling very used. He feels bad and says that he can't help it, that I turn him on and that he doesn't know how to (or even want to) stop when he comes close to orgasm to take care of my needs first. It doesn't always happen, but I find that things are done too fast and sometimes it hurts because I'm not aroused enough. How do I get the boy to think not only of his needs? How do I even know if he really does have a hard time controlling his orgasm? I really need to know if that is a real problem with men or if my sexual needs aren't as important to him as his needs are to me.
- Pissed off Paula

Paula,
How can you call a one-sided sex life "great"? The fact that he says "he doesn't want to stop" shows you that he doesn't give a flying fuck if you cum or not. He is just in it for himself (that behavior is acceptable and expected on a one-night stand, but not from a fiancé) and why accept a marriage proposal from a man who doesn't even try to make you cum? Did you think he would change and suddenly give a shit? Sex usually starts out amazing with a partner and sadly gets a bit routine after a few years, but it sounds like it was never good if he doesn't at least lick you until you cum. (It could be all down hill from here unless you speak up big time!)

It's not a problem with all men (like you asked), just the lazy ones. Also, you asked how to get him to think of your needs? That is the simple part, two words: withhold pussy. Make it clear that a quick one-sided in-and-out is turning you off to the point where you can't be bothered even fucking him for a while. He should make you cum first, either with his mouth or his fingers and/or a dildo, etc. If he can't manage it with his cock, then let your two-minute man go for it. He sounds like a selfish prick to me. Good thing you figured out the sex life sucks before you tied the knot. Some will argue that sex isn't everything, but it is in a sex column.
- Dr. Dot

Dear DD,
Ever since I've been on the pill, I have been really moody and needy. My boyfriend (of two years) likes the fact that we can fuck without a condom, but hates it that I get moody. In fact, he actually gets pissed off at me for crying. This makes it worse. He says it's the pill but I think it's his apathetic ways that make me sad. When a man rejects your tears, does that mean he isn't really into you? Shouldn't he be holding me close and comforting me? Am I nuts?
- Sad Eyed Sadie

Dear Sadie,
The birth-control pill works by tricking our body into thinking it's always three-months pregnant. That's why we can't get pregnant on the pill, because we are already pregnant (according to our hormone levels). How do pregnant women behave? Emotional, clingy, insecure about their looks, sometimes jealous, sad with mood swings and they get chubby (no wonder so many men cheat when their woman is pregnant). So, it's no surprise that you feel that way. But if it gets too extreme, you need to try a different pill and get that shit under control because NO man wants a cry baby. They usually get fucking mad when their woman cries because it makes them feel helpless and guilty and they get mad at you for making them feel that way. Most prefer a strong, stable woman so they can be the softy. (Look at Ozzy and Sharon, for example.) Don't bug him with unexplained, unwarranted tears; Men can't handle all that emotional turmoil!

Call a friend or relative when you are really down in the blues and talk it out to see what's really bothering you or you will have a real reason to cry when he leaves your wimpy ass.
- Dr. Dot