NY Rock: Dear Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I was wondering if you could tell me where the line is between charming persistence and creepy stalking. It sounds corny, but I've got a crush on a girl, and I don't want to ease so much that she falls for someone else, but I also don't want her to get a restraining order against me; not that I've done anything to merit one. My problem is I have plenty of confidence, which I've been told is the most important thing, but my form is -- how should I put this -- potentially intimidating. At 6 feet tall and 255 lbs., with hair growing out of damn near every hole in me, I've been told by people who know me that to people who don't, I look like a crazy mountain man. Of course, almost all of their suggestions include the words "scissors," "contact lenses," and "American Eagle" -- or something to that effect.

I am very fond of my mane, and the ancestry that it comes from, and see no reason why I should have to shave down and spend half of my paycheck on my wardrobe? To make a long story short (too late, I know), I need to know if there is indeed a line between persistence and stalking, and how to identify it. I would imagine it's different for every woman, and if so, is that an indication of what type of woman she is? I would greatly appreciate your input on the situation as a woman, as listening to my male friends has led to nothing.

P.S. If you could, please use my question in your column. I'm sure there are other lonely souls out there -- simply from the lack of knowing where the line is drawn.
- Willing to learn,
Mountain Man

Dear MM,
Try to tune into her actions and tone of voice when you talk to her. Does she sound happy to hear from you when you call or say hello? Does she smile and look into your eyes? Does she tell you when she is free? It REALLY helps if you tune into a girl's signs. If we don't like a guy, we find excuses to avoid meeting up with them and we turn off (not smiling, ending each conversation as fast as possible). Ask her out for lunch or to a movie. If she says yes, she doesn't hate you. Also, never call a girl everyday, as this may either bore her or make her too secure. Keep her on her toes by quality not quantity communication. Things that are NOT a good idea are:

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have a fart question. I know you have written about how to avoid farting in front of your lover, but these one-cheek sneaks can't go on forever, can they? I live with my boyfriend now and he farts around me, so when can I start farting around him? This is the first time I have lived with a guy and my first long-term relationship. I don't want to let it all hang out and loose him, yet I hate running to the bathroom every time my ass is acting up. When can we fart without shame?
- Bloated Bellamy

Dear Bellamy,
Ah, the Fart Threshold. An inevitable part of living together. If he is already telling you he loves you, then it's okay to let one rip in front of him. You simply have to know if his love is real or not. Who wants conditional love? ("If you fart, I won't love you anymore.") You can make it fun by blaming it on him and then laughing. Men fart all the time, their dogs fart all the time, so they will only be shocked the first time they hear you cut one. When it does, giggle and quickly change the subject and act like it never happened.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I just broke up with my boyfriend a little over a week ago, and I did agree to be friends. Problem is, he does not seem to get that we have broken up. He still calls me more then 10 times a day, still calls me pet names, and still thinks we can go out on random dates. Recently, I planned on going out on a date with someone new. He didn't seem to get that I didn't need his help with the new guy. He just kept calling that whole day asking if I needed help getting to where I was meeting the new guy. He just doesn't get it. He still even says he loves me and goes in between saying "I want you back" and "if you want to move on, don't let me stop you." What do I do about the clingy psycho?

Another problem, I'm interested in a guy that is in my lab. Can't quite tell if he reciprocates the feeling. What are the normal signs you males give off? What can I say? I'm bi and mainly spend my time girl watching, not seeing if a guy likes me back.
- Beautiful Bi Bitch

Dear Bi Bitch,
You wrote "What are the normal signs you males give off?" I am curious as to why you think I am a male? I am a female, Google me Bitch. Anyway, I am also curious as to why you ended it with your ex. This would help me help you. It is normal after a break up that one still holds on, so his behavior isn't really psycho. He just can't seem to let go as easily as you can. You must be able to see his number on your phone when he calls, so stop answering his calls if you REALLY want him to stop calling. You are not doing him any favors; you are merely making him suffer as he wants more than friendship and you don't.

You have to tell him the truth. If you want him out of your life, tell him you want a change and you need time alone to think. Even if you think there is a slight chance of you two getting back together, tell him you need time to think. You need space and time. Take advantage of the Caller ID on your phone and stop answering him.

About the guy in your lab. If you can't tell he likes you, it isn't even worth your time. Men let the ladies know when they are interested. It's not the female's job to drag it out of him. Men pursue, women are pursued. Naturally this doesn't apply to gays/lesbians/bi's. But if it's a heterosexual man you want, for the best results, let him lead.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Frank,
You are either too naive or dumb to be procreating, but I will answer you to calm your nerves. No, it won't harm the baby (unless you fuck around with other women without a condom and drag some nasty disease home to your wife). And you can't get pregnant women pregnant again.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Stan,
She will either be offended (imagine she bought you a penis extension because your knob wasn't big enough for her) OR she will let you buy them and get turned on by all that extra attention she is suddenly getting from men (her confidence may soar) and she may want to try them out on those other adoring men, who also love her new implants. Unless your girl asks you for them, it's probably better just to enjoy what she has and use your imagination. Don't fix what isn't broken.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Suzy,
No, you can not make up for forgotten pills. If you take two at once, you will throw up violently (well, it may take three to make you blow chunks). You just have to be religious about taking them. Take one every morning and if you miss a day, take it the next morning. The only way to avoid getting knocked up is by using condoms or not fucking at all. If you missed a day or two, put a rubber on him to be extra safe. If he whines about the condom (like most guys do) tell him it's sexier to wear a condom than to be changing diapers.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have fallen for probably one of the most unavailable men on the planet and can't get myself unhooked. I keep showing up at his gigs, as he is a hot Brooklyn rocker dude. He keeps coming home with me, or in the past, me to his, and we have sex -- which is okay. Then he leaves a few hours later. The sex has been increasingly more like "meat and potatoes" mainly because I think he does not want me to get too attached to him and fall in love. He never takes me out on a date. We only have sex after his gigs. I am a 38-year-old groupie to a 40-plus rocker. Why do I do this? Because I love the warmth he creates at his shows, because I think he is a brilliant writer and I am in love with his voice and have found so much music I like through him. This has been going on and off for a year and a half. I don't want to marry him -- just have some sort of passionate breakthrough -- how can I make him feel something and show it?
-Groupie Love

Dear GL,
First of all, if you fall for unavailable men, you may subconsciously feel you don't deserve to be loved. Dig deep, find out why and fix it. I am totally against trying to convince a man to like you. The men either love you, or they don't. I have also been in your shoes, and it doesn't feel good. It feels like you are number two, or maybe even number three and that is not good for one's self esteem.

You are settling for tiny scraps of affection he tosses your way when it's convenient for him. It may go on like that forever, or until you demand more. Dating a pop/rock star is never easy (look at Jerry Hall, Pam Anderson, Heather Locklear).

If the man isn't head over heels for you by now, he never will be. I am sorry if you were expecting tips on how to convince him to love you, but I have to speak my mind. Great blow jobs do keep a man happy, but you should only do that if you like to do it, not to convince a guy you are the one for him.

Successful and famous men are used to having women fall at their feet and do whatever they want, whenever they want, so they usually end up falling for a women who doesn't give a fuck about their fame or fortune, one that acts indifferent; one who is a challenge. All men LOVE a challenge and face it, you aren't one for him. You are his booty call, and maybe not his only booty call.

Shake things up a bit by not being available for the monthly meat and potatoes. Maybe it would heat things up if you went to one of his shows with a hot male "friend" to finally see if he gives a shit or not. I totally understand the groupie love, the hero worship. I would probably do the same for Paul McCartney, but then again, I would pretend to not really care about who he is, like Heather did when she met him (yeah, right, an English girl who doesn't know who the Beatles are). Only difference would be I wouldn't fuck it up like she did.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My wife got pregnant last summer and she miscarried about six weeks into the pregnancy. She thinks it happened because we had sex right before she lost the baby. The sex was a little rough, but everything I've ever heard is that there's no way having sex can cause a miscarriage. There are many other factors that could have caused it, and she knows it. For one thing, she smokes, even when she's pregnant. She's pregnant again, and she's afraid to have sex, fearing it could cause her to lose this one too, yet she's still smoking as much as ever. I just don't understand this. Doctors have told her, smoking is not good for the baby, having sex will not hurt the baby. Yet she's more focused on giving up sex rather than her smokes. How can I convince her that it's okay to have sex, but put it gently that maybe the smoking has been the problem the whole time?
- Future daddy--or not?

Dear Daddy,
Sex will not cause a miscarriage. Smoking will. Smoking increases the risk of losing a genetically normal baby. Women who smoke more than 14 cigarettes a day are about twice as likely to miscarry. The risk of miscarriage increases with the number of cigarettes a woman smokes. Women who smoke during pregnancy are ignorant and selfish. Go online with her and surf, there are endless articles that prove sex is FINE during pregnancy, and smoking can be deadly. I feel for you buddy. I really do.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Young,
Lucky for you, you are a never-ending fountain of spunk. Your balls produce about 300 million sperm every time you cum; they start brewing a new batch as soon as you shoot your wad. It's impossible to run out of sperm. In fact, the more often a man cums, the more sperm he produces, which explains why men never use up all their sperm. Wank away my friend.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
How do you feel about cheating? Even though my 11-year relationship has been sour for the last year at least, I still expected my partner to be faithful to me. He recently told me he cheated on me with a hot girl from a hole-in-the-wall bar, a few weeks back. I still can't believe he went home with a woman he knew for no more than three hours! He told me this on Thanksgiving Day. He confided and said that he and his friend from work picked up these two sisters at a local after-hours bar then stopped to get condoms and went back to her house so they could pair off and fuck. He said the guilt was bothering him so he confided and was planning on leaving me. I completely lost it.

This whole experience has taught me how much I love him. If everything would have been peachy between us and he cheated on me, I'd let him go, no problem. But, since I actually feel a little responsible due to the fact that we had drifted apart, I didn't approach him for sex... nothing, I was able to tell him I still love him and want to make things better between us. He told me he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore but would always love me. So then he said he needed a break to think. He moved out for five days, then came bawling back. I have tried to have sex again, but he won't. What do you think is going on? What should I do? I'd also like to mention that this man has a really tough schedule that he keeps which is partly what caused us to drift in the first place, 7 days/5 nights.

We just made up, so I expected him to be more attentive towards me, and he wasn't. I told him yesterday that it would be really nice if he at least laid his arm on me at night when we go to sleep. He does not even touch me at all!
- Hopelessly in Love

Dear HIL,
"I didn't approach him for sex..." Excuse me, do you have a cock? You are acting like the man in the relationship. It is NOT your job to go to him for sex and ask him to put his arms around you. No wonder he is distant, you are making him feel like a bitch. He is obviously staying with you out of habit. It feels comfy. I suggest STOPPING ALL advances towards him NOW, and I mean ALL. No "I love you," no touching, nothing. YOU have to find out once and for all how he feels about you and if he doesn't show his love (he already told you he isn't sure how he feels. He isn't IN LOVE with you. Sorry, but you are IGNORING all of the signs. Love can make us blind, deaf and dumb. Wake up and take off your rose-colored glasses. He is an uphill battle.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am in a tough situation and bet you can help. I was friends with this guy long ago, and he got married and I became best friends with his wife. In fact, I get along with her much better than I ever did him. Before I became such great friends with her, he used to ask me to let him use my apartment to screw other girls. As time passed, this stopped because he noticed that his wife and I were best buddies. Now it bothers me badly not to tell her the truth that I know he cheats on her. He doesn't treat her well, and I just wish I could tell her he is not worth the stress he puts her through. I am afraid, but something inside me tells me she has to know. Do I tell her or not?
- Stuck with the Truth

Dear Stuck,
Would YOU want to know if your man was cheating? Even though the truth will set you free, it may well turn you into the enemy. The messenger usually gets shot. Some people are so in love that they don't want to believe the truth, even if you had photographs of him cheating. She may find a way to deny it; to defend him. She may end up thinking of you as the one trying to break up her marriage. What would you gain? Nothing. If she is meant to find out that her husband is a lair, then she will. What will be, will be. If she finds out and knows you knew all along and asks why you didn't tell her, blame it on me.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Sleepless,
Funny you mention that, as I have the same problem. I can't even sleep in the same room as another person. You are not alone. In fact, I think it stems from being a light sleeper and/or fear of intimacy. Face it, when you sleep next to someone, it becomes a habit. It can make you dependent on that person when you equate them with sleep. For me, it is more intimate than sex. It could also be just not wanting to hear another person scratching, tossing and turning, farting and snoring all through the night. There is nothing wrong with you. Just explain to them that sleep is a very personal thing for you, and since your mind is so busy working on saving the world, it is hard for you to turn it off and any distraction at all will disrupt your badly needed rest. If you are shagging your partner properly, they shouldn't mind where, when or how you sleep, as they will be too tired to give a shit.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dodger,
It is not her fault that you can't stay hard enough for a condom. Therefore, it's ignorant and rude to try to make her screw you without one so you can get your rocks off. If she prefers safe sex, respect her for that. Now about that pull-out myth....

Pre-cum, which is that clear liquid that seeps out of your dick during foreplay and intercourse, has loads of sperm in it. There is a high chance of some sperm left in the urethra from the pre-cum, which can get her pregnant. You are playing with fire if you screw without a condom on. An expensive, dangerous fire. Only if you are in a monogamous relationship for a long time, where you both had time to be tested for nasty diseases, and you trust each other, and she is taking birth control, should you have sex without one. This "pulling out" method is about as dependable as a wet paper bag.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Mr. Burger,
Perhaps you can say that shaved genitals remind you of shaved chickens and/or people who are too young to fuck. That it makes you feel like a pedophile. Maybe she even does it because she thinks that all men like it that way. I personally loathe shaved genitals. When a woman trims it a bit, it looks nice, but when men shave at all, it screams out to me: "I am vain and will spend more time in the bathroom than you." Not to mention the inevitable stubble, which can make one's clit and surrounding skin feel like it's been rubbed down with coarse sand paper. I mean, how much time should one spend on their genitals? Wanking, washing, shaving? Photographing them for internet chats? All that time could be spent on a good old-fashioned fuck fest.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Todd,
New Years Eve is so over rated. You rarely find the right place to be and you end up spending loads on an evening you usually can't remember. You can plan a sexy night for two without spending much at all. Buy some strawberries, seedless grapes, bananas and cooking chocolate. Melt the chocolate and feed each other fruit dipped in chocolate (fondue style) all night. Sip cheap champagne or sparkling wine along with it, while watching all the fools freeze their asses off at the outside events. Make sure you are fucking when the clock strikes midnight. That is the BEST way to start off a new year.
- Dr. Dot