March 2007 — Hibernation season is finally winding down for my old bag-ass, meaning the live reviews will be back in this column sooner rather than later. Meantime, here is an assortment of new CDs that I've been subjecting myself to. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my 384th hour of Law & Order reruns. Jerry Orbach 4eva!

CD Reviews:   • Midnight Movies   • The Fratellis   • Willowz   • Jesu   • Lordi   • The Cinematics   • Earl Greyhound   • Chinese Stars   • Scissors for Lefty   • Totimoshi

Midnight Movies

Midnight Movies, Lion The Girl (New Line)
Psych-shoegaze-pop fans, meet your latest fixation. The sophomore album from LA quartet Midnight Movies, featuring scintillating, fuzzy riffs and the Nico-like vocals of Gena Olivier, could make you feel naked in a snowsuit. Chimes, splash drums, ennui, a far-off tambourine, and the sounds of buried drills are just some of the atmospheric delicacies on Lion the Girl. Olivier hovers like an apparition amid the heady rhythms, and her diction is perfect for it – she slightly whistles her pronunciation of the letter "s." It'll turn your tits to snowcones.

The Fratellis, Costello Music (Interscope)
Judging purely by name and album title, this band should be comprised of three corpulent cousins named Vinnie, Tony, and Carmine who specialize in covering Perry Como tunes at Italian weddings and baptisms in the middle of working-class New Jersey. But in fact, this trio of Scots has probably never even been to New Jersey let alone mimicked "It's Impossible" a la Mr. Como. The Fratellis unleash hyperactive garage rock with lots of Beatles bop and child-bearing hips – something their peers in Jet lack. "Flathead" landed an iPod commercial and thankfully, it's not their only good song to speak of. Blow off tons of rambunctious steam with this one.

Willowz, Chautauqua (Dim Mak)
I thought the album was called "Chappaqua" which is the town where Bill and Hillary Clinton have a house. I figured a dozen songs about what it's like to be the Clinton's neighbors might be kind of cool. Songs about Bill mowing his lawn in a thong and Hillary hitting the Slip N Slide when no one's looking. Such a bummer to discover otherwise. But Chautauqua's sexed-up pants-down Skynyrd boogie rock redeemed itself. There's some updated Laurel Canyon-type songwriter goods in the fold, too, such as "Big Knob." (Don't get your X-rated hopes up.)

Jesu, Conqueror (Hydra Head)
Thick, fizzy, alien, and indescribably magnetic, Conqueror is a soundscape that fills your head in under three seconds and doesn't let up. Jesu (Justin Broadrick) proved he's full of such Jedi mind tricks with the Silver EP from last year, but this album reaches for cinematic stature. I need to go lie down. Listen to the album stream.

Lordi, The Arockalypse (The End)
Last year, Finland's Lordi won the Eurovision contest by the highest score ever. These demon-mask-wearing Gwar-ish dudes swear they never heard of Gwar. If that honestly makes a difference to you in terms of whether Lordi has cred, then you win the Douche of the Day award. The bombastic cheese music is a cornucopia of White Zombie, Spinal Tap, and Europe with extra corniness stuffed in the rear cavity. After a case of Bud Ice, this stuff must sound totally awesome. Or it might make you want to take a leak on a map of Finland. Either response sounds like a killer way to spend Saturday night.

The Cinematics, A Strange Education (TVT)
Dour pretty boys strike a pose and travel down the same British post-punk new-wave path that a good 300 bands have trod down since 2005. The chilly, neurotic Scots romanticize depressing situations in hopes of unleashing poetic beauty. I guess. Put this on when you're playing dress up with your fabulous dead grandma's clothes and/or forlornly fantasizing about getting into Helen Mirren's knickers.

Earl Greyhound, Soft Targets (Some)
Bring it, oh little children. This NYC trio whips up a freakishly intense maelstrom of blues-metal guitars with acid soul vocals that'll make your tongue sweat. Smells like pot, b.o., polyester, and pussy. Launch the little player and hear the whole album.

Chinese Stars, Listen to Your Left Brain (Three.One.G.)
Definitely dancier than previous material, Left Brain retains Chinese Stars' rigorously controlled mania and occasionally irritating whining – both vocally and musically. The band (which includes veterans of Arab on Radar and Six Finger Satellite) broke up last year but apparently got back together. From the sound of things, these local boys still love their pills, panic disorders, and electro orchestrations that could have been conceived during a ride on the short bus.

Scissors for Lefty, Underhanded Romance (Eenie Meenie)
These charming pop dalliances are jaunty enough for an iPod commercial, lighthearted enough for your little sister, and saucy enough for Chef Boyardee. There's a twinge of the chorus of Eddie Money's "Two Tickets to Paradise" in the chorus of "Nickels and Dimes." This excites me. Underhanded Romance wins by pouting and thrusting; Bryan Garza's cheeky falsetto aims to start a scandal. Fact: His mom was a Malaysian pop star in the mid '60s. The album isn't out until June, but it's worth the wait.

Totimoshi, Ladrón (Volcom)
Tune down, drop out with the San Francisco sludge/stoner/metal trio on their fourth CD. Ladrón rocks out in all the right places, leaving corroded gunk in its path. Tony Aguilar sounds like an old, demoralized, crabby dude dragging his bones through Thunderdome. He makes you want to have a beer or nine with him and bitch about the many ways humanity sucks ass. Listen to the title track.